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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Apathy Outpacing Lust As Leading U.S. State Of Mind

WASHINGTON, DC–A federal study released Monday finds that for the first time in U.S. history, apathy has supplanted lust as the nation's leading state of mind. "It appears that the average citizen is now too apathetic to even pursue sex," the study read. "At the moment, there just isn't much that we as a people give a flying fuck about." The study was based on phone surveys, brainwave analyses, and the recent ratings victory of CBS's JAG over the Democratic National Convention.

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