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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Apathy Outpacing Lust As Leading U.S. State Of Mind

WASHINGTON, DC–A federal study released Monday finds that for the first time in U.S. history, apathy has supplanted lust as the nation's leading state of mind. "It appears that the average citizen is now too apathetic to even pursue sex," the study read. "At the moment, there just isn't much that we as a people give a flying fuck about." The study was based on phone surveys, brainwave analyses, and the recent ratings victory of CBS's JAG over the Democratic National Convention.

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