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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office

COLUMBUS, OH—Based on his recent activity on Facebook, local man Arthur Gibson, 29, is reportedly under the impression that libertarian icon and former presidential candidate Ron Paul is still running for a major federal office of some kind, sources confirmed Tuesday. “In times such as these, we require an experienced leader who is willing to stand behind the courage of his convictions and do what is right for America, and that man is Ron Paul,” Gibson wrote in just his latest post on the social networking site, seemingly unaware that the 77-year-old political theorist and former congressman is neither running for president nor in a position wherein he can directly affect public policy in any way. “[President Barack] Obama has had his chance, and yet he has consistently failed us at every turn. Well, no more. It’s time for us to take back our country.” Gibson’s Facebook friends later confirmed that the staunch libertarian has held unfounded delusions about Paul’s ability to play a role in the political process since as far back as 2008.

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