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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Apparently Man Can't Just Hate Bowling

GENESEO, NY—Despite repeated attempts to explain his feelings on the matter, 29-year-old local resident Dave Barrister expressed shock Monday after learning that he was evidently not allowed to simply dislike bowling. "Looks like nobody in the history of the planet has ever just hated to bowl," Barrister said following a 20-minute interrogation by friends, who cited his love of both beer and chicken wings in their refusal to allow him to detest the activity. "I just don't like it, okay? I do not at all enjoy the experience of bowling. Why isn't that enough?" Barrister reportedly bowled an 89 later that evening.

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