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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Appearance Of Dennis Rodman Most Normal Thing To Happen In North Korea

PYONGYANG—The recent appearance of former Chicago Bulls forward Dennis Rodman in North Korea was reportedly the most normal thing to transpire in the country in recent memory, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Our Supreme Leader [Kim Jong-un] was pleased to share in the company of Mr. Rodman as the two enjoyed time together conversing, dining, and watching basketball, which honestly was just about the most ordinary thing I’ve ever seen around here,” an anonymous source within the North Korean government said of the flamboyant NBA star’s relatively conventional diplomatic visit, which reportedly featured little of the group chanting, elaborate costumery, and synchronized acrobatics that define everyday life in the East Asian nation. “Really, this was just a run-of-the-mill episode in which the leader of North Korea spent a couple of days with a 6’7” tattooed Hall of Famer known as ‘The Worm.’ And I guess a few of the Harlem Globetrotters were here at one point. Pretty standard stuff, all things considered.” At press time, North Korean authorities had reportedly taken the unidentified government contact into custody for communicating with Western media, thereby signaling a return to the nation’s customary routine.

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