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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Apple Announces New iPhone With N-Word On Back Knowing Customers Will Buy It Anyway

SAN FRANCISCO—With CEO Tim Cook stating that desperate customers would surely “line up like idiots” to purchase the offensive product anyway, Apple announced today the release of the company’s new iPhone 5, which features the word “nigger” boldly embossed on its back. “Sure, the new iPhone has the word ‘nigger’ printed right on it, but we all know you pathetic losers will still buy it in droves, because, hell, you’ll buy anything we put out,” Cook said in a press conference, describing the lightweight smartphone that will include a larger high-resolution display and have the racial slur printed in 36-point Helvetica font directly on its back, as well as on every accessory sold for the product. “Our technology ensures the word will brightly light up through whatever cover or sticker you may use in an attempt to obscure it, so don’t even try. You are all very stupid and sheeplike, and I will enjoy watching this play out.” Cook followed the iPhone 5 announcement with a brief preview of the company’s updated iPad, which will feature a loud, unchangeable ringtone of Roseanne Barr repeatedly yelling “faggot.”

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