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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Apple Announces Plans For New iPad With Extra Storage Drawer

CUPERTINO, CA—In what tech giant Apple is calling a “major leap forward” for one of its most beloved products, the company announced Tuesday it would begin selling a new version of its popular iPad tablet with an extra attached storage drawer. “Featuring a stunning 9.7-inch Retina display, super-fast wireless performance, and a 5-inch-deep pull-out drawer, the iPad 4D is our most high-performance model to date,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a press release, adding that the sleek new drawer has a stainless-steel handle and comes in either white or black. “With slick ball-bearing slides and an ultra-light frame, the 4D can easily carry photographs, pens, calculators, legal pads, iPhones, and other personal belongings. Life just got a whole lot better, iPad users.” At press time, retail prices of the iPad 4D had dropped considerably on rumors that the company planned to release a mid-priced 4-inch-deep model as early as September.

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