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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Apple Fans Lining Up For iHand

As we reported on Onion News Network tonight (Fridays 10/9c on IFC), this week Apple rolls out its newest must-have gadget, the iHand. Millions of devoted Apple fans have already pre-ordered the sleek device, cutting off their hands early so they can be the first of their friends to attach the high-tech prosthetic hand to their severed wrist. We received thousands of messages from Mac fans excited for the upcoming release.

"I made sure to cut off my left hand since I'll still need my right hand to operate my iPad."
--donnybrook24

"I sawed off my right hand yesterday, but then someone told me this morning that there won't be a right-hand version of the iHand until the middle of next year and it's going to cost about $300 more than the original. Bummer to have to wait that long, but I'm sure it'll be awesome."
--Harris R., Austin, TX

"cut off my hand this morning in anticipation of iHand 1.0!!!!!!!!! When 2.0 comes out m gonna cut off the other hand 2"
--mossy1

"planning to get two iHands, one for work and one for personal stuff. typing this with my elbows now."
--NomaVerlene

"Heard rumors on an Apple fan forum that there might be an iHead out in 2012. Anyone know where I can rent a guillotine???"
--joniewoalcott

"If you don't have a saw capable of cutting though bones at your house, they'll chop your hand off at any Apple store Genius Bar. That's the kind of great customer service that keeps me coming back to Apple."
--Thomas F., St. Louis, MO

"heard microsoft is developing an 'implantable' hand device due out in next couple years. god, that company is pathetic"
--donerman

"Every time I look at my real hands now I feel embarrassed. They're so outdated."
--Zara, Springfield, MA

"a little wweak frm bloood loss, bu stll super PUMMPED to ge my iHand"
--coreytruman

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