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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Apple Fans Lining Up For iHand

As we reported on Onion News Network tonight (Fridays 10/9c on IFC), this week Apple rolls out its newest must-have gadget, the iHand. Millions of devoted Apple fans have already pre-ordered the sleek device, cutting off their hands early so they can be the first of their friends to attach the high-tech prosthetic hand to their severed wrist. We received thousands of messages from Mac fans excited for the upcoming release.

"I made sure to cut off my left hand since I'll still need my right hand to operate my iPad."
--donnybrook24

"I sawed off my right hand yesterday, but then someone told me this morning that there won't be a right-hand version of the iHand until the middle of next year and it's going to cost about $300 more than the original. Bummer to have to wait that long, but I'm sure it'll be awesome."
--Harris R., Austin, TX

"cut off my hand this morning in anticipation of iHand 1.0!!!!!!!!! When 2.0 comes out m gonna cut off the other hand 2"
--mossy1

"planning to get two iHands, one for work and one for personal stuff. typing this with my elbows now."
--NomaVerlene

"Heard rumors on an Apple fan forum that there might be an iHead out in 2012. Anyone know where I can rent a guillotine???"
--joniewoalcott

"If you don't have a saw capable of cutting though bones at your house, they'll chop your hand off at any Apple store Genius Bar. That's the kind of great customer service that keeps me coming back to Apple."
--Thomas F., St. Louis, MO

"heard microsoft is developing an 'implantable' hand device due out in next couple years. god, that company is pathetic"
--donerman

"Every time I look at my real hands now I feel embarrassed. They're so outdated."
--Zara, Springfield, MA

"a little wweak frm bloood loss, bu stll super PUMMPED to ge my iHand"
--coreytruman

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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