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Apple Hard At Work Making iPhone Obsolete

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Inside The Onion News Network

The anchors of the Onion News Network's top-rated program "FactZone" answer viewers' questions about what it's like behind the scenes of the most powerful cable news channel in recorded human history. The Onion News Network premieres on IFC on January 21st at 10/9pm c.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Apple Hard At Work Making iPhone Obsolete

CUPERTINO, CA—Only a month after the much-heralded announcement of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs confirmed that his engineers were already working around-the-clock on the touchscreen smartphone's far-superior replacement. "We looked at [the iPhone's] innovative user interface, the paradigm-shifting voicemail, the best-in-class mobile browser, and we realized we could make all that seem ridiculously outdated by the time the product becomes available to customers in June," said Jobs, who described the project as "Apple reinventing the iPhone." "When the second-generation iPhone comes out this fall, we want iPhone users to feel not just jealous, but downright foolish for owning such laughably primitive technology." Jobs also hinted that the second iPhone device would not be compatible with existing Mac computers, third-party peripherals, or any future Apple products.

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