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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Apple: New iPhone Good

'You Should Buy It' CEO Says

CUPERTINO, CA—During a highly anticipated media event held today at the Apple corporation’s world headquarters, CEO Tim Cook announced the new iPhone 4S is good and people should buy it. “It’s a good phone,” said Cook, walking out onto a stage and gesturing at a picture of the device projected on a large screen behind him. "It's got e-mail, the Internet, and you can get apps on it. Everybody should get one. It's good." After standing in place for another four seconds without speaking, Cook walked off stage, at which point the houselights came up and all in attendance were asked to please file out of the auditorium.

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