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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Applebee's To Offer Divorced-Father-And-Child Specials Every Other Weekend

KANSAS CITY, MO—Applebee’s announced Friday that all 2,000 of its locations will soon offer a menu of every-other-weekend specials created especially for divorced fathers and their children. “These delicious meal options are perfect when you’re coming back with your kid from a movie or minor-league baseball game, or just feel like the two of you need to get out of your apartment for a little while,” Applebee’s president Mike Archer said of the new specials, which follow last year’s successful introduction of the restaurant’s Broken-Home-Style Burger deals for parents who have recently told their children they’re getting divorced. “Whether you’d like a quesadilla appetizer that sets just the right mood for asking questions about the past two weeks of school, or want to discuss your ex-wife’s current boyfriend over our famous Brownie Bite dessert, we’ve got something for every father and the child he sees twice a month.” Archer added that for a limited time, the specials will also include a coupon redeemable for a well drink after the father has dropped the kid off Sunday night and returned to sit at the bar alone.

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