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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Applebee's To Offer Divorced-Father-And-Child Specials Every Other Weekend

KANSAS CITY, MO—Applebee’s announced Friday that all 2,000 of its locations will soon offer a menu of every-other-weekend specials created especially for divorced fathers and their children. “These delicious meal options are perfect when you’re coming back with your kid from a movie or minor-league baseball game, or just feel like the two of you need to get out of your apartment for a little while,” Applebee’s president Mike Archer said of the new specials, which follow last year’s successful introduction of the restaurant’s Broken-Home-Style Burger deals for parents who have recently told their children they’re getting divorced. “Whether you’d like a quesadilla appetizer that sets just the right mood for asking questions about the past two weeks of school, or want to discuss your ex-wife’s current boyfriend over our famous Brownie Bite dessert, we’ve got something for every father and the child he sees twice a month.” Archer added that for a limited time, the specials will also include a coupon redeemable for a well drink after the father has dropped the kid off Sunday night and returned to sit at the bar alone.

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