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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product’s new state-of-the art features and highly intuitive user interface, Apple’s gag division unveiled at a media event today the iDookie 4SE, which the tech giant describes as the sleekest, most advanced fake dog shit to date. “With this newest iDookie, we have created an ultrathin pile of novelty dog shit that provides the experience of a much larger imitative turd,” said Apple’s senior vice president of marketing Phil Schiller, referring to the 2.5-inch-thick, touch-operated piece of plastic dog feces as “a worthy addition” to Apple’s line of fake barf, whoopee cushions, and Wi-Fi-compatible squirting flowers. “Users simply place the iDookie on carpets, tables, laptops, or virtually anywhere, and then stand back and watch as unsuspecting passersby react with shock and surprise to the realistic-appearing dog doo. We at Apple are very excited to see this ‘must-have’ product in the hands of pranksters everywhere.” Schiller’s announcement was met with a thunderous standing ovation from those in attendance, all of whom announced their plans to lineup at Apple Stores weeks in advance for the fake dog shit.

The iDookie 4SE is available now for preorder at Apple’s iGag Store for $399.
 
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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