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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product’s new state-of-the art features and highly intuitive user interface, Apple’s gag division unveiled at a media event today the iDookie 4SE, which the tech giant describes as the sleekest, most advanced fake dog shit to date. “With this newest iDookie, we have created an ultrathin pile of novelty dog shit that provides the experience of a much larger imitative turd,” said Apple’s senior vice president of marketing Phil Schiller, referring to the 2.5-inch-thick, touch-operated piece of plastic dog feces as “a worthy addition” to Apple’s line of fake barf, whoopee cushions, and Wi-Fi-compatible squirting flowers. “Users simply place the iDookie on carpets, tables, laptops, or virtually anywhere, and then stand back and watch as unsuspecting passersby react with shock and surprise to the realistic-appearing dog doo. We at Apple are very excited to see this ‘must-have’ product in the hands of pranksters everywhere.” Schiller’s announcement was met with a thunderous standing ovation from those in attendance, all of whom announced their plans to lineup at Apple Stores weeks in advance for the fake dog shit.

The iDookie 4SE is available now for preorder at Apple’s iGag Store for $399.
 

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