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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product’s new state-of-the art features and highly intuitive user interface, Apple’s gag division unveiled at a media event today the iDookie 4SE, which the tech giant describes as the sleekest, most advanced fake dog shit to date. “With this newest iDookie, we have created an ultrathin pile of novelty dog shit that provides the experience of a much larger imitative turd,” said Apple’s senior vice president of marketing Phil Schiller, referring to the 2.5-inch-thick, touch-operated piece of plastic dog feces as “a worthy addition” to Apple’s line of fake barf, whoopee cushions, and Wi-Fi-compatible squirting flowers. “Users simply place the iDookie on carpets, tables, laptops, or virtually anywhere, and then stand back and watch as unsuspecting passersby react with shock and surprise to the realistic-appearing dog doo. We at Apple are very excited to see this ‘must-have’ product in the hands of pranksters everywhere.” Schiller’s announcement was met with a thunderous standing ovation from those in attendance, all of whom announced their plans to lineup at Apple Stores weeks in advance for the fake dog shit.

The iDookie 4SE is available now for preorder at Apple’s iGag Store for $399.
 
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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