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Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit

CHICAGO—Expanding on its collection of over 30,000 aquatic animals, Chicago’s John G. Shedd Aquarium opened its new “Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific” exhibit Wednesday, allowing visitors an up-close look at the vast diversity of dead and decaying marine life found throughout the world’s largest ocean. “From entire schools of fish that were exposed to toxic agricultural runoff, to sea turtles that ingested floating plastic refuse, to otters unable to escape a marine oil spill, visitors will be amazed by the sheer array of dead animals in this exhibit,” spokesman Ted Malpass said in a press release, noting that the decomposing remains of baby dolphins that had become tangled in trawlers’ fishing nets were sure to be a hit with children. “And we are the only aquarium in the country to feature a fully grown 50-foot sperm whale that perished after its feeding grounds were overfished. You will definitely want to check out that big guy in person before he rots away.” Malpass added that visitors who purchase tickets to the new exhibit would also receive free admission to the aquarium’s popular tank of Florida manatee corpses that were struck by speedboats.

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