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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit

CHICAGO—Expanding on its collection of over 30,000 aquatic animals, Chicago’s John G. Shedd Aquarium opened its new “Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific” exhibit Wednesday, allowing visitors an up-close look at the vast diversity of dead and decaying marine life found throughout the world’s largest ocean. “From entire schools of fish that were exposed to toxic agricultural runoff, to sea turtles that ingested floating plastic refuse, to otters unable to escape a marine oil spill, visitors will be amazed by the sheer array of dead animals in this exhibit,” spokesman Ted Malpass said in a press release, noting that the decomposing remains of baby dolphins that had become tangled in trawlers’ fishing nets were sure to be a hit with children. “And we are the only aquarium in the country to feature a fully grown 50-foot sperm whale that perished after its feeding grounds were overfished. You will definitely want to check out that big guy in person before he rots away.” Malpass added that visitors who purchase tickets to the new exhibit would also receive free admission to the aquarium’s popular tank of Florida manatee corpses that were struck by speedboats.

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