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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit

CHICAGO—Expanding on its collection of over 30,000 aquatic animals, Chicago’s John G. Shedd Aquarium opened its new “Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific” exhibit Wednesday, allowing visitors an up-close look at the vast diversity of dead and decaying marine life found throughout the world’s largest ocean. “From entire schools of fish that were exposed to toxic agricultural runoff, to sea turtles that ingested floating plastic refuse, to otters unable to escape a marine oil spill, visitors will be amazed by the sheer array of dead animals in this exhibit,” spokesman Ted Malpass said in a press release, noting that the decomposing remains of baby dolphins that had become tangled in trawlers’ fishing nets were sure to be a hit with children. “And we are the only aquarium in the country to feature a fully grown 50-foot sperm whale that perished after its feeding grounds were overfished. You will definitely want to check out that big guy in person before he rots away.” Malpass added that visitors who purchase tickets to the new exhibit would also receive free admission to the aquarium’s popular tank of Florida manatee corpses that were struck by speedboats.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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