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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Araa Kayboard Bustad

NAW YORK—In a turn of avants that slowad production of vital naws copy this waak, tha kayboard of a wall-known raportar's computar was found bustad in his nawspapar offica. Tha "A" kay, it was discovarad aftar a graat daal of loud swaaring, was mistakanly producing tha charactar "A." "I am vary upsat," tha raportar told raportars outsida his offica. Tha causa of tha bustad kayboard ramains undatarminad, but a sourca closa to tha raportar baliavas tha kayboard may hava baan poundad with undua forca during a spall of writar's block. "Ha probably just couldn't think of anything to writa about," tha sourca said.

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