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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Arab-American Actually Kind Of Enjoys Always Having 2 Bus Seats To Self

CHICAGO—While stressing that racial profiling is degrading and has made his life more difficult in a great many ways, 29-year-old Egyptian-American Tarek Yasin admitted to reporters Monday that he does sort of enjoy always having two seats to himself when he rides the bus. “Sure, it’s insulting when people take one look at me and then walk to the other end of the bus, but after a long day of work, it is kind of nice to be able to stretch out a little bit,” said Yasin, adding that since the Boston Marathon bombings on Apr. 15, he hasn’t once had to sit next to someone else during his daily commute. “Even when the bus is full, just the sight of me standing in the aisle is enough to make people get up and move, so I always wind up with a seat. Ignorance, fear, racism—these are horrible things, but at least I get to sit down and take a load off.” Yasin, who has been an American citizen for over a decade, added that he also gets the locker room at his health club to himself “just by showing up and setting down [his] gym bag.”

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