Arabs, Israelis Sign 'Screw Peace' Accord

Top Headlines

International

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts

How China Stifles Dissent

Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.

Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

Who Is Vladimir Putin?

After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Fl...

Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Tensions have quickly escalated in Gaza following the recent collapse of peace talks and the subsequent kidnappings and murders of Israeli and Palestinian teens, with Israeli citizens now threatened by daily rocket fire from Hamas while Gaza residents ...

What Is ISIS?

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a formerly al-Qaeda–aligned organization known by the acronym ISIS, has been seizing cities in Iraq, carrying out mass killings, and marching toward Baghdad.

Understanding The Situation In Iraq

Violence has escalated in Iraq in recent weeks as the Sunni Islamist militant group ISIS has seized control of numerous cities and continued its advance toward the capital, Baghdad.

Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries

LUANG PRABANG, LAOS—Noting that his consular officer said it couldn’t hurt to take a chance on a few long shots, prospective immigrant Soukan Chitmany told reporters Monday that, in addition to applying for permanent residence in a number of m...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Arabs, Israelis Sign 'Screw Peace' Accord

JERUSALEM—In what is being hailed as "a major step toward the reestablishment of traditional Middle Eastern hatred," Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu and PLO leader Yasser Arafat signed a historic "Screw Peace" agreement Monday.

Palestinian Liberation Organization leader Yasser Arafat and Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu shake hands after signing a joint "Screw Peace" accord.

"For years, our efforts to achieve a permanent, lasting state of war have been derailed by the peace process," Netanyahu said. "Never again will we allow talk of living in harmony to interfere with our real-world goals. From this day forth, our two peoples shall forever be united in our deeply rooted, irreconcilable hatred of one another."

"Nothing can come of friendly co-existence," Arafat said. "There is no winner in peace."

The PLO leader then concluded the signing with the ceremonial burning of a dove.

According to the terms of the Screw Peace agreement, all forms of diplomacy between Israel and its Arab neighbors will be terminated and recognized as failures. In its place, unrestrained, total warfare will be viewed as the normal state of international relations. Additionally, all borders within the region will be blurred in order to facilitate violent territorial disputes among sworn enemies.

"Hopefully," Netanyahu said, "there will be many thousands of angry Palestinians living on Israeli-occupied lands."

he Screw Peace agreement was based loosely on the Bosnian model, and was composed with the assistance of advisors from Britain and Northern Ireland, as well as several architects of the Greco-Turkish conflict.

News of the signing was met with universal acclaim by residents of the region, who celebrated by rioting, throwing rocks and dragging their enemies from their beds and burning them alive in the street. The term "big-nosed freak" was also widely used by combatants on both sides.

A group of Palestinian youths celebrate Monday's historic Screw Peace accord by pelting Israeli tanks with rocks.

TThe agreement's ratification is a welcome political move to people who believe "peace in the Middle East" to be a Western idea, one which directly conflicts with more than 6,000 years of tradition.

"My mother and three of my brothers died during the peace orchestrated by President Carter at Camp David," Beirut resident Ramzi Abboud said. "Everyone I know has lost loved ones to American attempts to negotiate peace."

"These peace talks have been going on ever since I was a child," said a weeping Avi Birbaum, 26, of Tel Aviv. "Peace is all I know."

Though reaction to the accord has been generally positive, some leaders remain unsatisfied with the new agreement. Syrian prime minister Mahmoud al-Aziz spoke out against what he called "major loopholes" in the language of the agreement.

"This piece of paper states that we should be no longer at peace, and that is right and good in the eyes of the One True God," al-Aziz said. "But it is too vaguely worded to be enforceable. Nowhere in it is there a clause that specifically states that we should exterminate the filthy Jew devils to the last man, kill their women, enslave their children, and force their ghosts to serve us in Paradise."

Israeli military officials issued a statement agreeing in sum with al-Aziz's objections and announcing that the city of Damascus would be set on fire and its residents captured over the next 10 days.

The effect of the Screw Peace agreement has yet to be felt in the rest of the world's nations, but reaction has been favorable.

"At long last, Middle Eastern nations will be able to spend the countless billions of dollars they receive in military aid," said United Nations military affairs director Chretien Reigneau. "This revolutionary document is leading to a more honest Middle Eastern outlook in every way."