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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Arabs, Israelis Sign 'Screw Peace' Accord

JERUSALEM—In what is being hailed as "a major step toward the reestablishment of traditional Middle Eastern hatred," Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu and PLO leader Yasser Arafat signed a historic "Screw Peace" agreement Monday.

Palestinian Liberation Organization leader Yasser Arafat and Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu shake hands after signing a joint "Screw Peace" accord.

"For years, our efforts to achieve a permanent, lasting state of war have been derailed by the peace process," Netanyahu said. "Never again will we allow talk of living in harmony to interfere with our real-world goals. From this day forth, our two peoples shall forever be united in our deeply rooted, irreconcilable hatred of one another."

"Nothing can come of friendly co-existence," Arafat said. "There is no winner in peace."

The PLO leader then concluded the signing with the ceremonial burning of a dove.

According to the terms of the Screw Peace agreement, all forms of diplomacy between Israel and its Arab neighbors will be terminated and recognized as failures. In its place, unrestrained, total warfare will be viewed as the normal state of international relations. Additionally, all borders within the region will be blurred in order to facilitate violent territorial disputes among sworn enemies.

"Hopefully," Netanyahu said, "there will be many thousands of angry Palestinians living on Israeli-occupied lands."

he Screw Peace agreement was based loosely on the Bosnian model, and was composed with the assistance of advisors from Britain and Northern Ireland, as well as several architects of the Greco-Turkish conflict.

News of the signing was met with universal acclaim by residents of the region, who celebrated by rioting, throwing rocks and dragging their enemies from their beds and burning them alive in the street. The term "big-nosed freak" was also widely used by combatants on both sides.

A group of Palestinian youths celebrate Monday's historic Screw Peace accord by pelting Israeli tanks with rocks.

TThe agreement's ratification is a welcome political move to people who believe "peace in the Middle East" to be a Western idea, one which directly conflicts with more than 6,000 years of tradition.

"My mother and three of my brothers died during the peace orchestrated by President Carter at Camp David," Beirut resident Ramzi Abboud said. "Everyone I know has lost loved ones to American attempts to negotiate peace."

"These peace talks have been going on ever since I was a child," said a weeping Avi Birbaum, 26, of Tel Aviv. "Peace is all I know."

Though reaction to the accord has been generally positive, some leaders remain unsatisfied with the new agreement. Syrian prime minister Mahmoud al-Aziz spoke out against what he called "major loopholes" in the language of the agreement.

"This piece of paper states that we should be no longer at peace, and that is right and good in the eyes of the One True God," al-Aziz said. "But it is too vaguely worded to be enforceable. Nowhere in it is there a clause that specifically states that we should exterminate the filthy Jew devils to the last man, kill their women, enslave their children, and force their ghosts to serve us in Paradise."

Israeli military officials issued a statement agreeing in sum with al-Aziz's objections and announcing that the city of Damascus would be set on fire and its residents captured over the next 10 days.

The effect of the Screw Peace agreement has yet to be felt in the rest of the world's nations, but reaction has been favorable.

"At long last, Middle Eastern nations will be able to spend the countless billions of dollars they receive in military aid," said United Nations military affairs director Chretien Reigneau. "This revolutionary document is leading to a more honest Middle Eastern outlook in every way."

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