Arafat, Netanyahu Reach Understanding After Zany 'Stuck In Meat Locker' Ordeal

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 14

U.N. Peacekeepers Pulled From Bosnia To Mow Ted Turner's Lawn

MARIETTA, GA—Responding swiftly to "a severe lawncare crisis" in the Southern U.S., a division of U.N. peacekeepers was pulled from Bosnia and deployed to media mogul Ted Turner's estate for emergency groundskeeping Monday. "The deteriorating condition of Mr. Turner's lawn represents a major international crisis that demands immediate attention," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. If the troops complete their mission early, they will receive several days' furlough before being assigned to domestic duty within Turner's mansion.

10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations

RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader Jonathan Witt. "I do not, have not and will not ever like girls," Pernell told the crowd of seven boys assembled at the lunchroom's back table. "Mr. Witt's accusations are not only 100 percent false, but also slanderous, as it has always been my firm conviction that girls are totally and completely gross." Pernell went on to suggest that perhaps it is Witt who likes girls, particularly Jenny Loughlin, 10.

New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic

NEW YORK—Demography Today, a new magazine targeting the demographer demographic, is set to make its debut on U.S. newsstands this week. "Our statistical data indicated that there exists a large, untapped market of people who are interested in statistical data and untapped markets," Demography Today editor-in-chief Lewis Arnell said. "We've created this magazine for just such 22- to 65-year-old demographers who have 2.1 children, spend $1,630 at restaurants annually, and watch 14.5 hours of television per week."

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

Next year, Helen Hunt will earn $1 million per episode of Mad About You. NBC offered Jerry Seinfeld $3 million per episode to continue Seinfeld. What do you think about the recent explosion in television stars' salaries?

I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner

Jesus Christ, do I ever hate my filthy fucking hippie owner, Zach. You have no idea the hell I go through, living in this disgusting house with him and his hordes of skank-ass hippie friends.

Report: National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report issued Monday by the General Content-Assessment Office, the National Content-To-Filler Index (NCFI) currently stands at 85.5 percent. Representing a 22 percent increase from just three years ago, the current NCFI figure is the highest in U.S. history.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Healthy Eating

Arafat, Netanyahu Reach Understanding After Zany 'Stuck In Meat Locker' Ordeal

JERUSALEM—Arab-Israeli relations took a major step forward Monday, when a zany mix-up resulted in the overnight confinement of PLO leader Yasir Arafat and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a refrigerated meat locker.

PLO leader Yasir Arafat and Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu share a good laugh after being trapped together in a meat locker overnight.

According to reports, the incident occurred when Arafat and Netanyahu–who were in Jerusalem negotiating the possible transfer of several West Bank settlements from Israeli to Palestinian control–got sidetracked into a visit to the butcher shop owned by the Israeli prime minister's gruff-but-lovable Uncle Shlomo.

"We offered to help him hang some freshly delivered sides of beef in the meat locker so he could close the store and go home early," said Arafat, recounting the nutty ordeal that forged a bond between the once-bitter Mideast rivals. "We were the only ones in the building hauling these carcasses into the freezer while the door was propped open with a broom."

When the last side of beef was hung in place, Arafat said, he noticed how messy the meat locker was, observing aloud that "a good cleaning would really do the place some good."

"So Netanyahu, that bumbling fool, says, 'Oh, here's a broom, Yasir,' and grabs the broom holding the meat-locker door open, trapping us inside overnight. I was so mad, all I could do was hit him over the head repeatedly with my burnoose while he shrugged mischievously."

Arafat said that he and his Israeli counterpart did not get along well during the first few hours of the ordeal. "For one thing, Netanyahu was an utter slob, leaving candy and gum wrappers everywhere, while I attempted to keep the locker as tidy as possible, sweeping constantly and even going so far as to improvise an apron out of a discarded potato sack."

According to Netanyahu, relations between the Mideast leaders only grew worse as the night progressed.

"Yasir just wouldn't let up on me. He criticized my Gaza Strip and West Bank policies, questioned my commitment to securing a lasting peace, and made fun of me for the time I switched places with a rock 'n' roll singer who looked just like me. I thought that was really uncalled-for, considering not only his failure to build a consensus between the Palestinian Authority and more extreme right-wing Arab groups like Hamas, but the occasion when he paid his landlady, Mrs. Slotnick, $50 to pretend she was married to him so he could impress an old high-school acquaintance."

Uncle Shlomo in the Jerusalem meat locker where once-bitter rivals Arafat and Netanyahu forged a deeper understanding of one another.

The turning point came at approximately 2 a.m., when, despite their strong animosity toward one another, the pair realized that they would have to huddle together to conserve body heat if they were to avoid freezing to death.

"As we huddled together, using an empty sack as a sort of makeshift blanket, we seemed only to get madder and madder at each other. But, without even realizing it, we were actually growing closer and closer."

Moments before Uncle Shlomo returned to the store at 7 a.m., discovering the half-frozen pair, Netanyahu voiced his opinion that they would not survive. "I said to Yasir, 'You know, I don't think we're going to make it.' And Yasir replied, 'Yeah, I guess not. Too bad we couldn't create a true peace between our peoples,' I was touched by that, and I told him I thought he was an okay guy, and he said, 'Yeah, you're not too bad, either.' It was then that Uncle Shlomo opened the door, saving our lives."

"It's lucky Bibi's uncle found us when he did," Arafat said. "When the locker was finally opened, I actually had frost covering my beard and small icicles hanging from my nose, not to mention a pale, bluish cast to my face."

After being rescued and revived with hot cocoa, the warring leaders realized that their traumatic experience had given them a greater understanding of each other.

"What Yasir and I went through together in that freezer made me realize that we're not so different, after all. It made me realize that, like me, he's a man motivated not by hatred for his enemy but by love for his people. I've now forgiven him for all the wrongs he's done me in the past, from the time he authorized a PLO mortar-shelling of a Golan Heights settlement, killing 47 Israeli innocents, to the time he sold me that shampoo that turned my hair green."

Few had expected Arafat and Netanyahu to come together anytime soon, with tensions at an all-time high ever since March 19, when the PLO leader indignantly painted a white line down the middle of Jerusalem's Old City, refusing to acknowledge events on "Netanyahu's side" of the line. It is believed to be the greatest wacky-adventure-driven improvement in international relations since January 1995, when British Prime Minister John Major and Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams were trapped in an elevator together with a woman about to give birth.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More