North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
End Of Section
  • More News

Arafat, Netanyahu Reach Understanding After Zany 'Stuck In Meat Locker' Ordeal

JERUSALEM—Arab-Israeli relations took a major step forward Monday, when a zany mix-up resulted in the overnight confinement of PLO leader Yasir Arafat and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a refrigerated meat locker.

PLO leader Yasir Arafat and Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu share a good laugh after being trapped together in a meat locker overnight.

According to reports, the incident occurred when Arafat and Netanyahu–who were in Jerusalem negotiating the possible transfer of several West Bank settlements from Israeli to Palestinian control–got sidetracked into a visit to the butcher shop owned by the Israeli prime minister's gruff-but-lovable Uncle Shlomo.

"We offered to help him hang some freshly delivered sides of beef in the meat locker so he could close the store and go home early," said Arafat, recounting the nutty ordeal that forged a bond between the once-bitter Mideast rivals. "We were the only ones in the building hauling these carcasses into the freezer while the door was propped open with a broom."

When the last side of beef was hung in place, Arafat said, he noticed how messy the meat locker was, observing aloud that "a good cleaning would really do the place some good."

"So Netanyahu, that bumbling fool, says, 'Oh, here's a broom, Yasir,' and grabs the broom holding the meat-locker door open, trapping us inside overnight. I was so mad, all I could do was hit him over the head repeatedly with my burnoose while he shrugged mischievously."

Arafat said that he and his Israeli counterpart did not get along well during the first few hours of the ordeal. "For one thing, Netanyahu was an utter slob, leaving candy and gum wrappers everywhere, while I attempted to keep the locker as tidy as possible, sweeping constantly and even going so far as to improvise an apron out of a discarded potato sack."

According to Netanyahu, relations between the Mideast leaders only grew worse as the night progressed.

"Yasir just wouldn't let up on me. He criticized my Gaza Strip and West Bank policies, questioned my commitment to securing a lasting peace, and made fun of me for the time I switched places with a rock 'n' roll singer who looked just like me. I thought that was really uncalled-for, considering not only his failure to build a consensus between the Palestinian Authority and more extreme right-wing Arab groups like Hamas, but the occasion when he paid his landlady, Mrs. Slotnick, $50 to pretend she was married to him so he could impress an old high-school acquaintance."

Uncle Shlomo in the Jerusalem meat locker where once-bitter rivals Arafat and Netanyahu forged a deeper understanding of one another.

The turning point came at approximately 2 a.m., when, despite their strong animosity toward one another, the pair realized that they would have to huddle together to conserve body heat if they were to avoid freezing to death.

"As we huddled together, using an empty sack as a sort of makeshift blanket, we seemed only to get madder and madder at each other. But, without even realizing it, we were actually growing closer and closer."

Moments before Uncle Shlomo returned to the store at 7 a.m., discovering the half-frozen pair, Netanyahu voiced his opinion that they would not survive. "I said to Yasir, 'You know, I don't think we're going to make it.' And Yasir replied, 'Yeah, I guess not. Too bad we couldn't create a true peace between our peoples,' I was touched by that, and I told him I thought he was an okay guy, and he said, 'Yeah, you're not too bad, either.' It was then that Uncle Shlomo opened the door, saving our lives."

"It's lucky Bibi's uncle found us when he did," Arafat said. "When the locker was finally opened, I actually had frost covering my beard and small icicles hanging from my nose, not to mention a pale, bluish cast to my face."

After being rescued and revived with hot cocoa, the warring leaders realized that their traumatic experience had given them a greater understanding of each other.

"What Yasir and I went through together in that freezer made me realize that we're not so different, after all. It made me realize that, like me, he's a man motivated not by hatred for his enemy but by love for his people. I've now forgiven him for all the wrongs he's done me in the past, from the time he authorized a PLO mortar-shelling of a Golan Heights settlement, killing 47 Israeli innocents, to the time he sold me that shampoo that turned my hair green."

Few had expected Arafat and Netanyahu to come together anytime soon, with tensions at an all-time high ever since March 19, when the PLO leader indignantly painted a white line down the middle of Jerusalem's Old City, refusing to acknowledge events on "Netanyahu's side" of the line. It is believed to be the greatest wacky-adventure-driven improvement in international relations since January 1995, when British Prime Minister John Major and Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams were trapped in an elevator together with a woman about to give birth.

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.