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A Primer On The Dark Web

With many crimes now originating on encrypted areas of the internet, many wonder about the so-called dark web and its activities. The Onion provides a primer on this obscured digital space:

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Arby's CEO Arrested With Trunk Full Of Stolen Horsey Sauce

ATLANTA—Arby's CEO Roland Smith was arrested and charged with unlawful possession of a controlled condiment Tuesday when a Georgia state trooper found 40 kilos of stolen Horsey Sauce in the trunk of Smith's car after pulling him over for erratic driving.

"When the arresting officer approached the car, Mr. Smith was behaving strangely and the officer detected a strong, spicy odor," said Georgia State Patrol spokesperson Tim Courson. "Upon inspection of the vehicle, the trooper discovered that the trunk contained what appeared to be a large quantity of uncut, pure-grade Horsey Sauce. A subsequent search of the suspect's person revealed several additional ounces of the sauce in large Ziploc bags duct-taped to his legs and chest."

Police estimate the street value of the potent horseradish-and-mayonnaise-based substance at $4.32.

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