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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Arby's CEO Arrested With Trunk Full Of Stolen Horsey Sauce

ATLANTA—Arby's CEO Roland Smith was arrested and charged with unlawful possession of a controlled condiment Tuesday when a Georgia state trooper found 40 kilos of stolen Horsey Sauce in the trunk of Smith's car after pulling him over for erratic driving.

"When the arresting officer approached the car, Mr. Smith was behaving strangely and the officer detected a strong, spicy odor," said Georgia State Patrol spokesperson Tim Courson. "Upon inspection of the vehicle, the trooper discovered that the trunk contained what appeared to be a large quantity of uncut, pure-grade Horsey Sauce. A subsequent search of the suspect's person revealed several additional ounces of the sauce in large Ziploc bags duct-taped to his legs and chest."

Police estimate the street value of the potent horseradish-and-mayonnaise-based substance at $4.32.

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