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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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'Arby's Has Been Putting More Onion Bits On Their Buns,' Reports Man Sinking Into Heavy Depression

KANSAS CITY—According to local Patrick Johnson, the amount of crunchy onion bits baked into Arby's sandwich buns seems to have increased somewhat recently, the 32-year-old mechanic noted while visibly descending into a heavily depressed state. "Yeah, I think there's more onion things, but maybe they're a little smaller, I can't really tell," said the emotionally deteriorating Johnson, moments before slowly dunking a fry into a small paper cup full of ketchup. “I think that paper they wrap the sandwiches in got thinner, too.” As of press time, Johnson had left the Arby's to walk home, noticing that the billboard for that Christmas movie was still up.

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