Arby's Regional Manager's Work Done Here

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Vol 36 Issue 32

Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

Senior Citizens Discuss Merits Of County-Clerk Candidates

MARSHFIELD, MO–During their weekly canasta game Monday, area octogenarians Beatrice Evans and Ida Hollings discussed the relative merits of the candidates for Webster County Clerk. "I like the fact that Wayne Speno wants to lower passport fees," Evans said. "On the other hand, he wants to keep the vital-statistics office open only until 4 p.m. weekdays, which isn't late enough." Hollings said she plans to vote for Speno opponent Mary Lodge. "[Lodge] did a fine job as assistant county clerk these past six years," Hollings said, "and I really feel like she's ready."

Nation Abuzz Over C-SPAN Original Movie

WASHINGTON, DC–Across America, excitement is building for this Friday's premiere of C-SPAN's first-ever original movie, Quorum Call: The H.R.1277 Story. Billed as "the incredible, true tale of the passage of the Department of Energy Civilian Research and Development Act of 1997," the film stars Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA) as an idealistic young congressman determined to secure allocations of $22.5 million for Fiscal Year 1998 and $23.9 for Fiscal Year 1999 for geothermal electric research and development.

Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse

WASHINGTON, DC–George W. Bush pulled ahead of Al Gore in presidential polls Monday following a near-perfect score of 9.95 on the pommel horse. "Bush was in total command, showing textbook technique on his scissor elements and nailing his dismount," ABC News/Washington Post poll spokesman Andrew Hollandsworth said. "He looked confident and strong up there, and the American people are responding." The impressive effort helped Bush regain ground lost in Gore's decisive Sept. 10 victory in the ribbon-dance event.

The Debate Debate

For months, Al Gore and George Bush have been unable to agree on a presidential-debate format, with each candidate accusing the other of ducking a face-off. What do you think?

Monkey Baby For Material Mom?

Item! Material mom Madonna just had her second baby! I wish I could report this as good old-fashioned good news, but there have been some complications. Madonna has been tight-lipped about it, but my sources say the baby is covered from head to toe with soft, velvety fur like a monkey! No word as to whether it has a tail. Aside from that, the baby is said to be doing fine and is the spitting image of mom. Fur or otherwise, babies are cute. Way to go, Madonna!
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Personal Finance

Arby's Regional Manager's Work Done Here

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL–Carl Biggs, regional manager of 11 Arby's restaurants in Chicago's Northwest suburbs, has done all he can here, the 41-year-old announced Monday before vanishing from the chain's Rand Road outlet in a cloud of Ford Escort exhaust. "Who was that mysterious man?" asked awestruck cashier Doug Sowell, 19, shortly after the visit. "I don't know," crew chief Karen Wilhoyte responded, "but he left this memorandum detailing proper kitchen hygiene procedures."

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