Archaeologists Discover Remnants Of Legendary Party Out By Train Tracks

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

The FDA recently approved the sale of Flibanserin, a pink pill intended for women diagnosed with low sex drive; critics have questioned the pill’s effectiveness, while advocates are praising the move toward supporting both men and women with these sexual issues. Here are some of the most common questions about Flibanserin

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

How Hackers Steal Data From Websites

With millions of Americans’ personal information becoming compromised by recent high-profile data breaches, many people are wondering just how anonymous hackers target and infiltrate these supposedly secure systems. Here is a step-by-step explanation of how your data can be stolen

Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain

SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel

Shortly after Apple debuted its new ultra-thin MacBook this week, Google announced its new Chromebook Pixel 2, which similarly boasts the new Type-C USB port and high-tech trackpad.

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

2015 Tech Trends

Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology.

Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin

GROTON, CT—Touting the new offering’s full-bodied flavor and bold, fruit-forward bouquet, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a vintage cask-aged variety of its popular cold medicine Robitussin on Friday. Labeled as Robitussin Reserve, the hi...

Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement

CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Fantasy Sports

Archaeologists Discover Remnants Of Legendary Party Out By Train Tracks

COLUMBIA, SC—Archaeologists excavating the train tracks out by the quarry announced Tuesday that they have discovered evidence of an epic party dating back to the late- February period of the year 2010.

Researchers identify a tool that may have helped in communicating a desire to mate.

According to University of South Carolina Archaeology chair Winston Eng, the monumental celebration, once thought to be merely the stuff of local legend, appears to have spanned more than six hours and covered a 2,200-square-foot area at its height.

"This is an extremely exciting find," said Eng, who is heading up the careful documentation and cataloging of what is already being referred to as a total freakin' blowout. "Nothing in the record indicates a party of such breadth and magnitude ever having occurred in this area, before or since."

"Judging by the vast array of artifacts these people left behind, this was truly a balls-out rager," Eng added.

By carefully piecing together the physical evidence with the local oral traditions that have been passed down from older to younger brother over the past two weeks, Eng and his colleagues have been able to theorize what the party may have been like.

"Though no reliable firsthand narratives still exist, various hazy and half-remembered tales indicate that it began as a humble birthday bash for Kelly, and then attracted and absorbed several other bands of revelers as news of its vast beer reserves spread throughout the region," Eng said. "It appears that the party grew rapidly in strength during its brief reign, but the erratic tire tracks and three bras left behind, coupled with speculative historical accounts of a highly coordinated raid by a people known as 'the Pigs,' suggest that it ended quite suddenly."

Eng said that the party can be divided into three generally agreed-upon eras, each marked by a watershed event. These include the Arrival of the Three Great Kegs, Brian Crying Like a Little Bitch, and the Lighting of the Bottle Rockets.

In addition to alcohol receptacles of every size and several cast-off contraceptive devices, Eng and his team also uncovered evidence of advanced toolmaking. The most prized discovery to date is a high-volume gravity bong, the sophistication and ingenuity of which appears to be unrivaled by similar THC-delivery devices found at other sites.

"This event attracted very specialized partiers skilled in many different disciplines," said Eng, later explaining that the find at the train tracks puts into perspective much of the data collected at the site of a landmark 2004 high school rager discovered next to a water tower in Palmyra, NY. "From ancient drinking-game masters to pickup artists to guys who were good at doughnuts, this was the rare environment in which all of these types of people could thrive."

"So, so badass," Eng added.

Though the discovery has removed any doubt as to how awesome the party was, the festivities were evidently not always peaceful. Bloodstains and a torn Motörhead T-shirt have been attributed to a massive three-man brawl, thought to have been prompted by the fickle attentions of a particularly attractive, high-status female.

Additionally, vague tales of someone's cousin named Lester or Lincoln or something attempting to attain the status of alpha male by throwing a full beer into one of the site's bonfire areas—an action that purportedly saw him forever branded an asshole and banished from the event—have been substantiated by the recovery of a charred and ruptured aluminum vessel.

"There was a very strict and nuanced social hierarchy in place," Eng said. "Violating it could easily relegate a partygoer to hanging out with the tools, listening to one of them go on and on about computers or some other gay shit."

Though researchers said that they have already learned much during the excavation, some questions, such as why Lauren was being such a cunt to Jenn, will likely forever remain unanswered.