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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Archaeologists Discover Strata Of Welcome Back, Kotter Merchandise

UNIONTOWN, PA—Archaeologists at a dig site in southwestern Pennsylvania have discovered a layer of the Earth's crust consisting entirely of Welcome Back, Kotter merchandise. "The strata we have discovered, located approximately 15 feet beneath the surface, dates to the mid-1970s and consists of items ranging from posters of Sweathog leader Vinnie Barbarino to lunchboxes depicting Arnold Horshack," head archaeologist Adrian Richelieu said. It is the largest such find since 1989, when archaeologists near Albuquerque, NM, discovered a 20-foot-thick layer of T.J. Hooker Trapper Keepers.

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