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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Archaeologists: Egyptian Pyramids Actually Early Attempt At Camping

CAIRO—Once shrouded in mystery, the pyramids of Giza are now believed to be the earliest known attempt at camping out, a team of archeologists reported Monday. "It appears that around 400 BC, the pharaohs of Egypt began packing up all of their earthly possessions for some recreational camping on the banks of the Nile," said Dr. Tarek Hilal of Alexandria University, noting that the pyramids' dense outer walls and sharply angled faces would have been perfect for keeping rain out. "Furthermore, it seems that the extensive hieroglyphics showing spirits embarking on a journey to the afterlife was their way of telling spooky ghost stories." Despite the remarkable discovery, Hilal and his team are still unsure why so many ancient Egyptians decided to remove their inner organs before getting inside their stone sleeping bags at night.

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