adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

Architects Of 2026 Market Crash Just Finished A Highly Productive Lunch

NEW YORK—Shaking hands and thanking each other for taking the time to meet, the architects of the 2026 Market Crash parted ways Tuesday after a highly productive meal at the Capital Grille steakhouse in lower Manhattan. “You were right, Alex, that filet was fantastic—best steak in the city,” securities trader Anthony Bergen told the group, whose aggressive speculation on high-risk, off-balance sheet derivatives will, within 12 years, cripple nearly every sector of the global economy and send unemployment rates soaring. “Glad we could finally make this happen. How about we circle back next Tuesday and follow up on some of these thoughts. I’m thinking Nobu?” At press time, the main beneficiaries of the 2029 Emergency Economic Stabilization Act were reportedly calling their secretaries to schedule a lunch next week.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close