After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

Area 5-Year-Old Has Tummy Cancer

CITRUS HEIGHTS, CA—Joshua Colquitt, a Citrus Heights-area 5-year-old, was diagnosed Monday with inoperable cancer of the tummy.


"The doctor says I have something bad in my tum-tum," said Colquitt, speaking from his bed at St. Luke's Memorial Hospital. "He said he's gonna try his best to make it go away, but he's not sure he can."

Colquitt first complained of tummy pain on Feb. 20. Subsequent tests revealed that a malignant, golf-ball-sized tumor had metastasized near the point where the duodenum meets the belly-welly.

"I've got to be a brave boy until my tummy gets better," Colquitt said.

Tummy cancer claims the lives of more than 4,500 children each year.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.