After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Area 5-Year-Old Telling, Area 5-Year-Old Telling

SANDWICH, MA—Sources who just saw you do that are now reporting that, oh man, area little brother Ryan, 5, has made definitive plans to tell and, in addition, is so going to tell as soon as Mom gets back. Despite a number of attempts to diffuse the tense situation with leftover Easter candy and offers to play with him, preliminary reports suggest that you are so busted and you knew you weren't permitted to be in here and there is every indication that, oooh, you're going to get in trou-ble. While it appears you could potentially be grounded for the rest of forever, you have been strongly advised to turn over all of your ow, quit pinching quit pinching quit pinching.

After Birth

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