Area Applebee's A Hotbed Of Machiavellian Political Maneuvering

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Vol 36 Issue 23

Roommate Never Seems To Leave Apartment

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Paul Shermer noted Monday that Ed Twilley, his roommate of eight months, appears to spend every moment of his life in the apartment shared by the two Charlottesville men. "Every time I come home, there he is on the couch," Shermer said. "I know he works for the state doing something, but he never seems to be at work when I'm home." Shermer said he is beginning to get creeped out.

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ALLENTOWN, PA–"Serious bookworm" Angela Goodwin is reportedly halfway through her sixth reading of Anne McCaffrey's fantasy series The Dragonriders Of Pern. "I've read every book in Dragonriders at least three times," Goodwin said Monday. "I guess you could say it's just part of my love affair with the written word." Earlier this year, the "die-hard reader" also read 10 of Piers Anthony's Xanth novels in 15 days.

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HOUSTON–Anticipating an imminent break-up with girlfriend Mindy Huhn, Derek Haskell, 24, deliberately scheduled a final romantic evening Sunday for the purpose of intercourse. "I was planning to dump her this week, probably Wednesday, so I figured I should squeeze in one last go at it before then," Haskell said. "I especially wanted to because I don't have anyone lined up next, so who knows when I'll have sex again?" Haskell described the encounter as "pretty good."

83rd Birthday Party Stretches Definition Of Party

JACKSON, MI–An 83rd birthday party for Hilldale Nursing Home resident Abraham Porter stretched the definition of the word "party" Monday. "Yes, there was food and music and gifts and people gathered for the purpose of celebrating, so, technically, it was a party," said Lydia Marks, the ailing Porter's great-grand-niece. "But it felt like something else altogether." The highlight of the affair, Marks said, was when Porter recognized his only son.

Hair Dyed Back To Original Color

TULSA, OK–After three months as a redhead, area resident Natalie Rice dyed her hair back to its original brown Monday. "I decided I wanted to go natural," Rice said, "so I got a bottle of Clairol dark auburn and just went to town." Rice said it will probably take another two or three dye jobs to completely restore her natural brown coloration over the artificial red.

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Hola amigos. Que pasa with you? Me, I've been pretty damn good. It's summer, my car is running, and the ladies are fine. Sometimes you can't ask for anything more. Well, ya can, like maybe to get laid by Pamela Anderson, but asking ain't a good idea, because you'll only jinx what you've already got.

My Summer Reading List

Another swampish July will soon be upon us, bringing with it the promise of sweltering heat, golden pitchers of ice-cold lemon-ade administered to me in enema-form, and the nightmarish prospect of sunlight which lasts until nine o'clock at night. Monstrous! When I was a lad, it was dark from five in the evening until noon the next day, and the July temperature never exceeded fifty degrees on Professor-Doktor Fahrenheit's scale. I am certain that the world is hurtling ever closer to the Sun, overbalanced as it is on one side by the overbreeding of the fecund Hindoo, but at present there is little I can do about it.

Wall Street And The Mob

Last week, the FBI arrested 120 members of New York crime families, breaking up a massive securities scam that combined old-school Mob violence with high-tech Internet fraud. What do you think of organized crime's foray into Wall Street?
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Area Applebee's A Hotbed Of Machiavellian Political Maneuvering

HARTFORD, CT–The site of a complex, ever-shifting web of alliances among servers, line cooks, hostesses, dishwashers, and managers, the Sheridan Avenue Applebee's is a hotbed of Machiavellian political maneuvering, sources reported Monday.

Byzantine machinations churn just out of view of restaurant patrons at this area Applebee's.

"A manager here should employ the strength of a lion and the cunning of a fox," night manager Roy Mergens said. "For example, I have curried the favor of the waitstaff by giving them 15-cent raises, simply by eliminating Jorge, the second dishwasher. This will not make me any friends in the kitchen, but it is far more important to keep the front-of-the-house staff happy."

Added Mergens: "A successful manager is above morality, for the success of the Applebee's franchise is the supreme objective."

Mergens said he hopes that his cost-saving measures will earn him a recommendation for advancement to the executive-manager position at the soon-to-open Pflaum Road Applebee's.

"Prudence consists in knowing how to distinguish degrees of disadvantage and in accepting a lesser evil as a good," assistant manager Cindy Baggett said. "To wit: If I remain quiet about Roy's padding of his time card and his claiming credit for my Kahlua Mudslide collector's-mug idea, I am a shoo-in for his position when he leaves."

Baggett and Mergens are just two of 43 employees who take part in the swirling, Byzantine machinations that is life at Applebee's. Every day, hundreds of acts of devious strategizing take place behind the restaurant's placid, service-with-a-smile façade.

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"The visitor to the Sheridan Avenue Applebee's is none the wiser," server Liz Schonert said. "Sipping on their jumbo margaritas and munching on mozzarella sticks, they know nothing of the clandestine pacts that enable some to leave early on slow nights, others to overextend their free-meal benefits, and still others to steal from the walk-in cooler."

These alliances, Schonert said, also determine which forms of scheming, intrigue, and fraud go unreported.

"I have set up a mutually beneficial arrangement between the waitstaff and the bartender, wherein he does not tally a certain percentage of our drinks, and we share our table tips with him," lead server Jenna Gordon said. "We have taken great pains, however, to keep the scheme hidden from the hosting staff. In order to remain strong, we must do all that we can to escape the hatred of those who are stronger."

One of the most bitter intra-Applebee's rivalries is the one between the kitchen staff and the front-of-house staff.

"The hateful servers receive all the tips, yet still they castigate us over one missing buffalo-wings platter," line cook Karl Krug said. "But on the surface, I am still extremely pleasant to them, so that I do not lose my kitchen-manager position. The use of craft and deceit is acceptable to maintain authority and carry out the policies of a ruler. And my most important policy is that I don't work weekends and don't clean the grease trap."

But for all the intricate dealings, even the most powerful members of the Sheridan Avenue Applebee's crew must kneel before the ultimate authority of regional manager Bob Hundhausen.

"I keep the 22 Applebee's in my district under my thumb by periodically dropping in unannounced during dinner rush," Hundhausen said. "It is best for a leader to be both feared and loved. But since this usually cannot be done, it is safer to be feared."

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