adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Asshole Keeps On Top Of Latest Trends In Changing Marketplace

NEW YORK—In the fast-paced world of investment banking, either you're on top of the latest trends, or they're on top of you.

Asshole Michael Riegert

Just ask asshole Michael Riegert.

Riegert, a senior banker with the high-powered Manhattan firm of Salomon Brothers, is one asshole who understands the importance of staying ahead of the pack. "When it comes to asset management in the '90s, you can never have too much information. That's your edge over the next guy," said the 53-year-old prick. "No matter what kind of portfolio you're building, from high-risk, high-yield National Intermediate Municipal Funds to medium-yield Asia Growth Funds, the key is knowing where the financial trends are headed before they get there."

"I perform asset-management services for institutional and retail clients around the globe, and, regardless of what's in a particular client's portfolio, I always give the same advice: Don't look at what works today, look at what will work tomorrow," the complete bastard noted. "As I always say, keeping current is the most valuable currency of all."

"Yes, investing does involve risk and some loss of principal; there's no getting around that," said Riegert, an avid golfer and heartless son of a bitch. "But by investing wisely, you can minimize that risk and maximize profit potential. Knowledge—that's your edge."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close