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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Area Asshole Keeps On Top Of Latest Trends In Changing Marketplace

NEW YORK—In the fast-paced world of investment banking, either you're on top of the latest trends, or they're on top of you.

Asshole Michael Riegert

Just ask asshole Michael Riegert.

Riegert, a senior banker with the high-powered Manhattan firm of Salomon Brothers, is one asshole who understands the importance of staying ahead of the pack. "When it comes to asset management in the '90s, you can never have too much information. That's your edge over the next guy," said the 53-year-old prick. "No matter what kind of portfolio you're building, from high-risk, high-yield National Intermediate Municipal Funds to medium-yield Asia Growth Funds, the key is knowing where the financial trends are headed before they get there."

"I perform asset-management services for institutional and retail clients around the globe, and, regardless of what's in a particular client's portfolio, I always give the same advice: Don't look at what works today, look at what will work tomorrow," the complete bastard noted. "As I always say, keeping current is the most valuable currency of all."

"Yes, investing does involve risk and some loss of principal; there's no getting around that," said Riegert, an avid golfer and heartless son of a bitch. "But by investing wisely, you can minimize that risk and maximize profit potential. Knowledge—that's your edge."

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