adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Asshole Keeps On Top Of Latest Trends In Changing Marketplace

NEW YORK—In the fast-paced world of investment banking, either you're on top of the latest trends, or they're on top of you.

Asshole Michael Riegert

Just ask asshole Michael Riegert.

Riegert, a senior banker with the high-powered Manhattan firm of Salomon Brothers, is one asshole who understands the importance of staying ahead of the pack. "When it comes to asset management in the '90s, you can never have too much information. That's your edge over the next guy," said the 53-year-old prick. "No matter what kind of portfolio you're building, from high-risk, high-yield National Intermediate Municipal Funds to medium-yield Asia Growth Funds, the key is knowing where the financial trends are headed before they get there."

"I perform asset-management services for institutional and retail clients around the globe, and, regardless of what's in a particular client's portfolio, I always give the same advice: Don't look at what works today, look at what will work tomorrow," the complete bastard noted. "As I always say, keeping current is the most valuable currency of all."

"Yes, investing does involve risk and some loss of principal; there's no getting around that," said Riegert, an avid golfer and heartless son of a bitch. "But by investing wisely, you can minimize that risk and maximize profit potential. Knowledge—that's your edge."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close