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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Area Asshole Keeps On Top Of Latest Trends In Changing Marketplace

NEW YORK—In the fast-paced world of investment banking, either you're on top of the latest trends, or they're on top of you.

Asshole Michael Riegert

Just ask asshole Michael Riegert.

Riegert, a senior banker with the high-powered Manhattan firm of Salomon Brothers, is one asshole who understands the importance of staying ahead of the pack. "When it comes to asset management in the '90s, you can never have too much information. That's your edge over the next guy," said the 53-year-old prick. "No matter what kind of portfolio you're building, from high-risk, high-yield National Intermediate Municipal Funds to medium-yield Asia Growth Funds, the key is knowing where the financial trends are headed before they get there."

"I perform asset-management services for institutional and retail clients around the globe, and, regardless of what's in a particular client's portfolio, I always give the same advice: Don't look at what works today, look at what will work tomorrow," the complete bastard noted. "As I always say, keeping current is the most valuable currency of all."

"Yes, investing does involve risk and some loss of principal; there's no getting around that," said Riegert, an avid golfer and heartless son of a bitch. "But by investing wisely, you can minimize that risk and maximize profit potential. Knowledge—that's your edge."

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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