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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Bar Used To Be Cool; Now Lame

EAST LANSING, MI—Michigan State University seniors reported Tuesday that Sparty's Tavern, once the coolest bar in East Lansing, has deteriorated into a state of total lameness. "Man, I remember my first year here, Sparty's was the place to go Friday nights," said communications major Chad Resnick. "Now it's all full of freshmen and stuff." Psychology major Caryn Trimble agreed, adding, "They used to have $2 pitchers on Wednesdays. And the jukebox used to have the coolest music, like Bob Marley and Dave Matthews. Now it's all just Top 40 shit."

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