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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Bastards Pick Wrong Guy To Mess With This Time

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to Tallahassee resident Bud Courson, local bastards Dewey Bostock and Dewayne Buckner picked the wrong guy to mess with this time. "They picked the wrong guy to mess with when they started messing with me," Courson said of the messing, which local officials believe to be the biggest mistake of the bastards' lives. Courson's future plans for the bastards include doing a serious number on their asses and whaling on them.

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