Area Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up Scrabble Victory

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Vol 36 Issue 33

Slow-Motion Woman Emerges Glistening From Pool

LOS ANGELES–An unidentified woman in her early 20s emerged from a large, backlit swimming pool at approximately one-third normal speed Monday. According to witnesses, the woman, accompanied by sultry saxophone music, began emerging from the pool at sunset with incandescent pool lights highlighting the droplets of water running down her lithe frame. Upon exiting, the woman reportedly closed her eyes and slowly leaned her head back in preparation for toweling-off procedures.

Everything You Worked So Hard For Lying in Splinters At Your Feet

DURHAM, NC–According to a Duke University report released Monday, all of your hopes and dreams are no more than splinters at your feet, swept away by the uncaring wind. "All that you labored to make a reality, all that you saved and sacrificed for, these are but ashes and dust," said Duke sociologist Dr. Edgar Pratt following the collapse. "Not even history will remember these toils and endeavors, for the world never knew nor cared to know of the struggle behind them."

New Hyundai Owner Sort Of Brags About it To Co-Workers

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William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior

NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times 'On Language' columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is 'Whopper Juniors,'" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying 'passerbys' or, worse yet, the dreaded 'attorney generals.'" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown Taco Bell, ordering "two Big Beef Burritos Supreme."

Media Suffering Through Record Normal Temperatures

KNOXVILLE, TN–Across the U.S., the news media are coping with another week of cripplingly typical temperatures. "It's awful," said Jim Moore, editor of The Knoxville News-Sentinel. "We'd love to run a good lead like 'Dozens Dead In Brutal Heat Wave,' but the temperatures have left us with nothing." Tom Pierre, news director of Fox affiliate KABB-TV in San Antonio, was equally distraught. "Yesterday, it was a pleasant 73 degrees," Pierre said. "How is a 92-year-old widow supposed to tragically perish in an unventilated tenement apartment with weather like that?"

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Not The Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer

Well, I see by the TV that the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer has struck again. Apparently, this time, he used a spin-casting technique to lay a treble-hook muskie lure right across the path of Brent Parks, a waterskiing tourist from down Illinois way. Ripped the poor feller's throat right open, they say, before the 50-pound test line drug him under. Funny thing is, they found Parks less than a half mile from my shack on Fence Lake, just like all the others. I say it's almost certainly a coincidence, though: I'm almost positive I'm not the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer.

Bobby Knight Through The Years

Fired Sept. 10, Bobby Knight has been involved in his share of incidents during his 30 years as Indiana University basketball coach. Among the highlights:

Washington vs. Hollywood

In recent weeks, both George W. Bush and Al Gore have stepped up their attacks against the entertainment industry for marketing violent and sexual content to young people. What do you think?

My Moroccan Neighbors Won't Stop Their Damn Ululating

Well, there goes the neighborhood. Last week, the moving van pulls up to the Petersens' old house and--yup, you guessed it--a bunch of Moroccans move in. I haven't even met the Aatabous yet, but already I can't stand them: All night long, they won't stop with their damn ululating!
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Area Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up Scrabble Victory

PLYMOUTH, NH–Evan Riedel has made reference to his Sept. 6 Scrabble victory over girlfriend Amy Vanderploeg "about 200 friggin' times" in the days since, Vanderploeg reported Monday.

Amy Vanderploeg with boyfriend Evan Riedel, who is still carrying on about his Sept. 6 Scrabble win.

"Evan will not let that Scrabble game drop," Vanderploeg, 23, said. "Constantly, he'll say stuff like, 'Do you need help reading that magazine article? I know your vocabulary isn't the best, judging from that round of Scrabble we played.' Give it up already, Evan."

The oft-alluded-to match, which took place at Vanderploeg's apartment, was a decisive 382-183 victory for Riedel, who needed less than one hour to dispense with his girlfriend of three years. Upon winning, he performed a brief victory dance and began verbally taunting his vanquished opponent–behavior that has continued unabated nearly two weeks later.

"He works the word 'esteemed' into conversation whenever possible and then says, 'Gee, I really like that word 'esteemed,'" Vanderploeg said. "He was so proud that he'd used up those four e's in one word and used all seven tiles."

Vanderploeg added that by placing "esteemed" across a triple-word-score spot on the board and earning a 50-point bonus for using all his letters, Riedel was able to, in his words, "rack up a sweet 77" on the turn.

In addition to constantly bringing up his best moves, Riedel has relished pointing out errors Vanderploeg made during the game.

"Whenever we see a cat now, he goes, 'C-A-T... Cat!' as a way of making fun of me for putting down such a simple word at one point," Vanderploeg said. "Then he usually says, 'You know where cats like to walk? On the catwalk!' That's because instead of putting down 'cat,' I could've added my 'cat' onto the word 'walk' that was already on the board and gotten a lot more points."

Vanderploeg said she should have anticipated Riedel's post-victory arrogance on the basis of his behavior during the game. "Evan was getting way too into it," she said. "At one point, he got a double-word score and actually screamed, 'Boo-ya!'''

By the midpoint of the game, Riedel had developed an elaborate tile-picking ritual, shaking the bag vigorously before blowing into it and chanting, "Come on, come on, please... gimme the Xs, Js, and Zs!" According to Vanderploeg, such theatrics made it difficult for her to concentrate on the game and contributed to her poor showing.

Scrabble game box.

"There were several times when I put down the first thing I thought of, just to get the stupid thing over with faster," Vanderploeg said. "Every time it was my turn, Evan would lean across the board and stare at me. It started to get really annoying, but whenever I told him to stop, he'd say, 'What's the matter? Can't take the heat?'"

According to noted psychologist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum, Riedel's behavior is rooted in his outsider status during childhood.

"Awkward and ungainly as a boy, Evan never excelled in athletics," Wasserbaum said. "He did, however, find shelter in academia. It is natural, then, that he is most comfortable asserting his male competitive instincts in this arena. His frequent allusion to the Scrabble victory can be likened to a male peacock extending his colorful tail plumage before the female bird. With his constant boasting, Evan is not actually trying to annoy his girlfriend but instead impress her and win her approval."

Riedel has engaged in boardgame-victory braggadocio in the past, carrying on about triumphs in such games as Trivial Pursuit, Balderdash, and Outburst.

"One time, we were playing Scattergories with [longtime couple] Jeff [Weitz] and Kimberly [Alford], and Evan got so bad, I had to cut the game short," Vanderploeg said. "We didn't see them for, like, three months after that."

While Riedel admits to mentioning the Scrabble victory frequently, he denies any wrongdoing.

"I'm just teasing Amy, is all," Riedel said. "Besides, I can't help it if I possess a superior vocabulary and stellar word-formation skills. Cha-ching!"

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