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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Cat Allergic To Kevin Strenlow Dander

PROVO, UT–Area housecat Tibbles, 3, has an intolerance to the dander of owner Kevin Strenlow, sources reported Monday. "Tibbles can't get too close to Kevin or he'll start sneezing terribly," said Deborah Brandt, Tibbles' personal veterinarian. "Those flakes of dead skin that fall off Kevin really bother him." Brandt recommended that Tibbles buy a special human shampoo that should alleviate the problem if massaged into Strenlow's scalp while he is held down.

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