adBlockCheck

Area Cherokee In Violation Of Indian Removal Act Of 1830

Top Headlines

Criminal Justice

Angie Tribeca

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more pr...

FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound

HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...

Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday tha...

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Criminal Justice

Angie Tribeca

Area Cherokee In Violation Of Indian Removal Act Of 1830

DAHLONEGA, GA—Authorities issued a warrant for the arrest and forced relocation of local carpenter and half-blooded Cherokee Indian Jonathan Palmer Monday, when he was found to be in violation of the federal Indian Removal Act of 1830.

Half-blood Cherokee Jonathan Palmer outside his soon-to-be-vacated home.

"Mr. Palmer is in violation of federal law," said Col. Jack Kippler, who is leading the Bureau of Indian Affairs case against Palmer. "For this reason, he was taken into custody, and he is currently awaiting forcible resettlement on a Cherokee reservation in Oklahoma by the U.S. Army."

Once in Oklahoma, Palmer and his wife and two children will be permanently housed in a trailer home.

According to Palmer's lawyers, the Cherokee Indian did not realize he was living in violation of the 175-year-old act signed into law by Andrew Jackson, the seventh president of the U.S.

"When I told my wife that, under American federal law, we were going to have to leave everything behind and start over in Oklahoma, she was furious," Palmer said. "I blame myself: I totally blanked on the Indian Removal Act of 1830 when looking for a place to live."

The BIA is currently fielding applications from families who would like to live on Palmer's former land. According to Kippler, the Palmers' two-story, 1,600-square-foot house, valued at $145,000, would make an excellent home for a white family.

"It's a nice house," Kippler said. "They've taken very good care of the place, really shown it a lot of love. It has one and a half baths and a very nice finished basement with a TV den."

Army personnel say the Palmer will be given sufficient time to pack their belongings into the trunk of a police cruiser before they are escorted to their new and federally mandated homeland. Additionally, the U.S. government has taken responsibility for euthanizing the Palmers' dog, Spunky.

"I don't see the kids taking this too well," Palmer said. "Already, they're worrying about making new friends in Oklahoma... But what are you going to do? The law is the law."

"They'll be in tears the whole car ride there, I expect," he added.

Palmer told reporters that his forcible ejection under armed guard could not have come at a worse time.

"We just ordered a new couch from Ikea," Palmer said. "Who's going to get that? The new white family? Maybe I can cancel the order."

Mark Twoblood, an attorney with the National Native American Bar Association, has reviewed Palmer's claim to the land and home he purchased in 1997, and he says there is little he can do under the existing law.

"I've submitted Palmer's case to the Supreme Court, but it is very unlikely that they will add it to next term's docket," Twoblood said. "I have done what I can. I would like to wish him and his family good luck in their new home."

Twoblood reportedly gave the Palmer a decorative dreamcatcher as a housewarming gift.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close