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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Area Child Can't Bring Self To Look Up To Eli Manning

HAZLET, NJ—Twelve-year-old Giants fan Jesse Kenney revealed today that, try though he might, he simply can't muster up the necessary respect to idolize Giants QB and Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. "I mean, he's great and everything.... Well, not great, but definitely pretty good," said the lifelong Giants fan, sporting his favorite Justin Tuck jersey for the interview. "I mean, he's a starting quarterback, and Kerry [Collins] and Kurt [Warner] were definitely my favorite players when they were around. It's just.... He's Eli, you know? He kinda reminds me of my baby brother Nicky. Nicky was just born in March, right after the Super Bowl. I like to put his little Giants hat on when I take care of him." When informed of Kenney's difficulties, Manning furrowed his brow, pouted, and began to cry.

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