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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Area Child Can't Bring Self To Look Up To Eli Manning

HAZLET, NJ—Twelve-year-old Giants fan Jesse Kenney revealed today that, try though he might, he simply can't muster up the necessary respect to idolize Giants QB and Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. "I mean, he's great and everything.... Well, not great, but definitely pretty good," said the lifelong Giants fan, sporting his favorite Justin Tuck jersey for the interview. "I mean, he's a starting quarterback, and Kerry [Collins] and Kurt [Warner] were definitely my favorite players when they were around. It's just.... He's Eli, you know? He kinda reminds me of my baby brother Nicky. Nicky was just born in March, right after the Super Bowl. I like to put his little Giants hat on when I take care of him." When informed of Kenney's difficulties, Manning furrowed his brow, pouted, and began to cry.

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