Area Consumers Consume Area

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Area Consumers Consume Area

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky swath of dead earth in their wake. The consumption marked the end of a massive consumer binge in which Brixton residents have indulged, like most Americans, since the end of World War II.

Brixton, formerly an affluent semi-professional suburban community noted for its readily available office space and burgeoning retail market outlets, is now known only as “The Scorched Infertile Earth That Once Was Brixton.”

Economists see the town’s desolation as a positive economic indicator, signifying healthy markets and a renewed willingness of American consumers to continue to consume. The figures support that projection: The consumer spending quotient was up 650 percent, local retailers’ sales figures were up 800 percent, and the consumer satisfaction index was up nearly 1000 percent.

According to a statement from the office of Brixton Mayor Herb Jarzemsky, “Forget for the moment that our once green and budding town is now a lifeless stretch of exposed terrestrial core, with no possibility of habitation or growth of flora. This mass consumption has pushed all leading economic indicators through the roof, and we’re very encouraged by that.”

Jarzemsky could not be reached for comment as of press time, as he had himself also been consumed. The rest of the statement was also unavailable, as it had been consumed as well.

“Consumer morale indexes have never been higher, and I feel the message is clear: The American consumer is once again on the move!” President Clinton told cheering crowds at the Consumer Confidence Conference in Schaumburg, IL, yesterday.

Though Clinton was referring to the projected economic boom he hopes will boost his reelection bid, the words “on the move” also referred to the gigantic, nomadic tribe of voracious former Brixtonian consumers currently headed west toward Wilfordchester, leaving a mile-wide stretch of smoky, barren terrain behind them.

An unofficial report from a source within the Wilfordchester Chamber of Commerce revealed that the consumer mass, which is moving at a rate of 1.7 miles per day, is expected to reach the heavily populated Wilfordchester metropolitan area by mid-August, wreaking environmental havoc like a powerful tornado.

“We look forward to the arrival of the devouring horde,” Commerce Secretary Maureen Laughlin said. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say our economy has been sluggish, but we could certainly use a boost, and being laid waste by the horde should put our numbers up where they belong.”

Massive evacuation plans for the community “have not been ruled out,” according to Massachusetts Gov. William Weld. But such plans may not be necessary: A covert airlift operation is currently flooding the grasslands directly in front of the mobile consumer mass with high-quality consumer goods provided by a number of Massachusetts area merchants, including Yammush & Simms and Filene’s Basement.

“We are excited about the opportunity to provide the Brixton Mobile Consumer Mass with the high-quality, reasonably priced merchandise it has come to expect from Yammush & Simms, helping both save the town of Wilfordchester and stimulate further consumption,” Yammush & Simms customer relations spokesperson Kent Grant said. “We also look forward to being part of this exciting economic surge by being consumed ourselves.”

The Massachusetts National Guard has been put on red alert in the event that consumption-related devastation reaches into neighboring states.