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Area Consumers Consume Area

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Area Consumers Consume Area

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky swath of dead earth in their wake. The consumption marked the end of a massive consumer binge in which Brixton residents have indulged, like most Americans, since the end of World War II.

Brixton, formerly an affluent semi-professional suburban community noted for its readily available office space and burgeoning retail market outlets, is now known only as “The Scorched Infertile Earth That Once Was Brixton.”

Economists see the town’s desolation as a positive economic indicator, signifying healthy markets and a renewed willingness of American consumers to continue to consume. The figures support that projection: The consumer spending quotient was up 650 percent, local retailers’ sales figures were up 800 percent, and the consumer satisfaction index was up nearly 1000 percent.

According to a statement from the office of Brixton Mayor Herb Jarzemsky, “Forget for the moment that our once green and budding town is now a lifeless stretch of exposed terrestrial core, with no possibility of habitation or growth of flora. This mass consumption has pushed all leading economic indicators through the roof, and we’re very encouraged by that.”

Jarzemsky could not be reached for comment as of press time, as he had himself also been consumed. The rest of the statement was also unavailable, as it had been consumed as well.

“Consumer morale indexes have never been higher, and I feel the message is clear: The American consumer is once again on the move!” President Clinton told cheering crowds at the Consumer Confidence Conference in Schaumburg, IL, yesterday.

Though Clinton was referring to the projected economic boom he hopes will boost his reelection bid, the words “on the move” also referred to the gigantic, nomadic tribe of voracious former Brixtonian consumers currently headed west toward Wilfordchester, leaving a mile-wide stretch of smoky, barren terrain behind them.

An unofficial report from a source within the Wilfordchester Chamber of Commerce revealed that the consumer mass, which is moving at a rate of 1.7 miles per day, is expected to reach the heavily populated Wilfordchester metropolitan area by mid-August, wreaking environmental havoc like a powerful tornado.

“We look forward to the arrival of the devouring horde,” Commerce Secretary Maureen Laughlin said. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say our economy has been sluggish, but we could certainly use a boost, and being laid waste by the horde should put our numbers up where they belong.”

Massive evacuation plans for the community “have not been ruled out,” according to Massachusetts Gov. William Weld. But such plans may not be necessary: A covert airlift operation is currently flooding the grasslands directly in front of the mobile consumer mass with high-quality consumer goods provided by a number of Massachusetts area merchants, including Yammush & Simms and Filene’s Basement.

“We are excited about the opportunity to provide the Brixton Mobile Consumer Mass with the high-quality, reasonably priced merchandise it has come to expect from Yammush & Simms, helping both save the town of Wilfordchester and stimulate further consumption,” Yammush & Simms customer relations spokesperson Kent Grant said. “We also look forward to being part of this exciting economic surge by being consumed ourselves.”

The Massachusetts National Guard has been put on red alert in the event that consumption-related devastation reaches into neighboring states.

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