adBlockCheck

Area Consumers Consume Area

Top Headlines

Local

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Consumers Consume Area

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky swath of dead earth in their wake. The consumption marked the end of a massive consumer binge in which Brixton residents have indulged, like most Americans, since the end of World War II.

Brixton, formerly an affluent semi-professional suburban community noted for its readily available office space and burgeoning retail market outlets, is now known only as “The Scorched Infertile Earth That Once Was Brixton.”

Economists see the town’s desolation as a positive economic indicator, signifying healthy markets and a renewed willingness of American consumers to continue to consume. The figures support that projection: The consumer spending quotient was up 650 percent, local retailers’ sales figures were up 800 percent, and the consumer satisfaction index was up nearly 1000 percent.

According to a statement from the office of Brixton Mayor Herb Jarzemsky, “Forget for the moment that our once green and budding town is now a lifeless stretch of exposed terrestrial core, with no possibility of habitation or growth of flora. This mass consumption has pushed all leading economic indicators through the roof, and we’re very encouraged by that.”

Jarzemsky could not be reached for comment as of press time, as he had himself also been consumed. The rest of the statement was also unavailable, as it had been consumed as well.

“Consumer morale indexes have never been higher, and I feel the message is clear: The American consumer is once again on the move!” President Clinton told cheering crowds at the Consumer Confidence Conference in Schaumburg, IL, yesterday.

Though Clinton was referring to the projected economic boom he hopes will boost his reelection bid, the words “on the move” also referred to the gigantic, nomadic tribe of voracious former Brixtonian consumers currently headed west toward Wilfordchester, leaving a mile-wide stretch of smoky, barren terrain behind them.

An unofficial report from a source within the Wilfordchester Chamber of Commerce revealed that the consumer mass, which is moving at a rate of 1.7 miles per day, is expected to reach the heavily populated Wilfordchester metropolitan area by mid-August, wreaking environmental havoc like a powerful tornado.

“We look forward to the arrival of the devouring horde,” Commerce Secretary Maureen Laughlin said. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say our economy has been sluggish, but we could certainly use a boost, and being laid waste by the horde should put our numbers up where they belong.”

Massive evacuation plans for the community “have not been ruled out,” according to Massachusetts Gov. William Weld. But such plans may not be necessary: A covert airlift operation is currently flooding the grasslands directly in front of the mobile consumer mass with high-quality consumer goods provided by a number of Massachusetts area merchants, including Yammush & Simms and Filene’s Basement.

“We are excited about the opportunity to provide the Brixton Mobile Consumer Mass with the high-quality, reasonably priced merchandise it has come to expect from Yammush & Simms, helping both save the town of Wilfordchester and stimulate further consumption,” Yammush & Simms customer relations spokesperson Kent Grant said. “We also look forward to being part of this exciting economic surge by being consumed ourselves.”

The Massachusetts National Guard has been put on red alert in the event that consumption-related devastation reaches into neighboring states.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close