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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Area Consumers Consume Area

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky swath of dead earth in their wake. The consumption marked the end of a massive consumer binge in which Brixton residents have indulged, like most Americans, since the end of World War II.

Brixton, formerly an affluent semi-professional suburban community noted for its readily available office space and burgeoning retail market outlets, is now known only as “The Scorched Infertile Earth That Once Was Brixton.”

Economists see the town’s desolation as a positive economic indicator, signifying healthy markets and a renewed willingness of American consumers to continue to consume. The figures support that projection: The consumer spending quotient was up 650 percent, local retailers’ sales figures were up 800 percent, and the consumer satisfaction index was up nearly 1000 percent.

According to a statement from the office of Brixton Mayor Herb Jarzemsky, “Forget for the moment that our once green and budding town is now a lifeless stretch of exposed terrestrial core, with no possibility of habitation or growth of flora. This mass consumption has pushed all leading economic indicators through the roof, and we’re very encouraged by that.”

Jarzemsky could not be reached for comment as of press time, as he had himself also been consumed. The rest of the statement was also unavailable, as it had been consumed as well.

“Consumer morale indexes have never been higher, and I feel the message is clear: The American consumer is once again on the move!” President Clinton told cheering crowds at the Consumer Confidence Conference in Schaumburg, IL, yesterday.

Though Clinton was referring to the projected economic boom he hopes will boost his reelection bid, the words “on the move” also referred to the gigantic, nomadic tribe of voracious former Brixtonian consumers currently headed west toward Wilfordchester, leaving a mile-wide stretch of smoky, barren terrain behind them.

An unofficial report from a source within the Wilfordchester Chamber of Commerce revealed that the consumer mass, which is moving at a rate of 1.7 miles per day, is expected to reach the heavily populated Wilfordchester metropolitan area by mid-August, wreaking environmental havoc like a powerful tornado.

“We look forward to the arrival of the devouring horde,” Commerce Secretary Maureen Laughlin said. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say our economy has been sluggish, but we could certainly use a boost, and being laid waste by the horde should put our numbers up where they belong.”

Massive evacuation plans for the community “have not been ruled out,” according to Massachusetts Gov. William Weld. But such plans may not be necessary: A covert airlift operation is currently flooding the grasslands directly in front of the mobile consumer mass with high-quality consumer goods provided by a number of Massachusetts area merchants, including Yammush & Simms and Filene’s Basement.

“We are excited about the opportunity to provide the Brixton Mobile Consumer Mass with the high-quality, reasonably priced merchandise it has come to expect from Yammush & Simms, helping both save the town of Wilfordchester and stimulate further consumption,” Yammush & Simms customer relations spokesperson Kent Grant said. “We also look forward to being part of this exciting economic surge by being consumed ourselves.”

The Massachusetts National Guard has been put on red alert in the event that consumption-related devastation reaches into neighboring states.

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