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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again

AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo shopping while sexually aroused again. "We were so revved up that we wanted to buy everything," said Keneally, adding that the couple ulti­mately lost their libidinous urge while reading the instruction manual for the Cyberglass 4-Way G Vibratron. "In the end, I guess our eyes were just bigger than our orifices." Keneally and Nguyen said it was the most excessive shopping trip they had indulged in since 2008, when they visited an orphanage while feeling especially childless.

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