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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again

AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo shopping while sexually aroused again. "We were so revved up that we wanted to buy everything," said Keneally, adding that the couple ulti­mately lost their libidinous urge while reading the instruction manual for the Cyberglass 4-Way G Vibratron. "In the end, I guess our eyes were just bigger than our orifices." Keneally and Nguyen said it was the most excessive shopping trip they had indulged in since 2008, when they visited an orphanage while feeling especially childless.

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