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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again

AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo shopping while sexually aroused again. "We were so revved up that we wanted to buy everything," said Keneally, adding that the couple ulti­mately lost their libidinous urge while reading the instruction manual for the Cyberglass 4-Way G Vibratron. "In the end, I guess our eyes were just bigger than our orifices." Keneally and Nguyen said it was the most excessive shopping trip they had indulged in since 2008, when they visited an orphanage while feeling especially childless.

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