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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Dad Concerned He’s Running Out Of Family Photos To Digitize

ALAMO, CA—Flipping through the final pages of the last photo album on the living room shelf, local father Adam Forrester appeared distressed Wednesday as he told reporters he was quickly running out of images of his family to digitize. “I finished up all the ones from when the kids were little—including the ones from the old house—and I already made my way through that box Grandma gave us, so pretty soon there won’t be any left to put on the computer,” the visibly anxious 56-year-old said of the imminent culmination of a project that has occupied many of his weeknights and Saturday afternoons since he came across a scanner on sale at a local electronics retailer three months ago. “I suppose I could still go through and take the red-eye out of them. And I should get a hard drive to back them up on, in case something happens to my computer. Maybe I’ll check the attic again to make sure I’m not missing any old school portraits.” At press time, sources confirmed a relieved-looking Forrester had hit upon the idea of going back through the entire collection and adding approximate dates to every photograph.

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