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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Dad Concerned He’s Running Out Of Family Photos To Digitize

ALAMO, CA—Flipping through the final pages of the last photo album on the living room shelf, local father Adam Forrester appeared distressed Wednesday as he told reporters he was quickly running out of images of his family to digitize. “I finished up all the ones from when the kids were little—including the ones from the old house—and I already made my way through that box Grandma gave us, so pretty soon there won’t be any left to put on the computer,” the visibly anxious 56-year-old said of the imminent culmination of a project that has occupied many of his weeknights and Saturday afternoons since he came across a scanner on sale at a local electronics retailer three months ago. “I suppose I could still go through and take the red-eye out of them. And I should get a hard drive to back them up on, in case something happens to my computer. Maybe I’ll check the attic again to make sure I’m not missing any old school portraits.” At press time, sources confirmed a relieved-looking Forrester had hit upon the idea of going back through the entire collection and adding approximate dates to every photograph.

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