Area Dad Convinced Receiver Controlled Ball, Got Both Feet Inbounds

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Vol 49 Issue 48

Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have co...

Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving

All across the country, Americans are gathering with their loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for this year?

Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere

The comet ISON will fly close to the sun on Thursday, and if it manages to survive without being ripped apart, astronomers say the celestial body could produce a brilliant spectacle in the Northern Hemisphere that’s visible to the naked eye througho...

School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, ...

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...
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Area Dad Convinced Receiver Controlled Ball, Got Both Feet Inbounds

ALTOONA, PA—Following a contested pass on the sideline, living room sources just confirmed that local father James Kulick is convinced the receiver on his team controlled the football and managed to get both feet inbounds for a fair catch. “Just look, you can see it right there on the replay—he gets possession and both feet touch the ground before he goes out,” said Kulick, adding that the receiver’s successful toe tap next to the sideline is “100 percent clear when they zoom in all the way.” “He dragged his left foot to the right as he got the ball, and he maintains control all the way to the ground. That’s a catch, no question. Clear as day. He caught it.” At press time, Kulick was reportedly furious after the opposing team had challenged the call.

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