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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Area Dad Convinced Receiver Controlled Ball, Got Both Feet Inbounds

ALTOONA, PA—Following a contested pass on the sideline, living room sources just confirmed that local father James Kulick is convinced the receiver on his team controlled the football and managed to get both feet inbounds for a fair catch. “Just look, you can see it right there on the replay—he gets possession and both feet touch the ground before he goes out,” said Kulick, adding that the receiver’s successful toe tap next to the sideline is “100 percent clear when they zoom in all the way.” “He dragged his left foot to the right as he got the ball, and he maintains control all the way to the ground. That’s a catch, no question. Clear as day. He caught it.” At press time, Kulick was reportedly furious after the opposing team had challenged the call.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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