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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Area Dad Hopes Son's Interest In Long Jumping Just A Phase

BALTIMORE—David Segal, 38-year-old accountant and father of two, expressed hope that his 10-year-old son's recent interest in long jumping has been spurred only by the 2008 Olympic Games and will fade out as soon as the NFL season, NBA season, and MLB post-season begin. "He can't be serious," a distraught Segal said last Friday when his son rejected his offer to play a game of catch in favor of watching Olympic track-and-field events for the second time this week. "I don't get it. You can run and jump in baseball, football, and basketball, too. But at least those sports are, you know, sports." Sources close to Segal say he later forcibly prevented his son from watching the Olympics as soon as the floor exercise of the men's artistic gymnastics came on.

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