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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Area Dad Just Absolutely Sobbing After Phil Mickelson Win

DOVER, DE—After Phil Mickelson birdied the 18th hole at Muirfield to assure his British Open victory last Sunday, local dad Tom Culp reportedly broke down in tears in the family’s downstairs TV room. “Lefty deserves this! He deserves it!” Culp was overheard saying as he fell to his knees and let out repeated wails of joy and relief, adding that “Phil put in the work to be a great links golfer, and it paid off, goddammit.” “This couldn’t have happened to a better person. Look at his beautiful family! Lefty. Lefty! I love you, Lefty!!!” Family sources confirmed that at dinner that same night, Culp was silent and curt at the table, ordering his son to grab him a beer and telling his wife that the chicken was dry.

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