Area Dad Just Absolutely Sobbing After Phil Mickelson Win

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 30

Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer

According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in height correlated to a 13 percent higher risk of a variety of cancers.

Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint

Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president Abraham Lincoln, as well as on the monument’s marble floor.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Area Dad Just Absolutely Sobbing After Phil Mickelson Win

DOVER, DE—After Phil Mickelson birdied the 18th hole at Muirfield to assure his British Open victory last Sunday, local dad Tom Culp reportedly broke down in tears in the family’s downstairs TV room. “Lefty deserves this! He deserves it!” Culp was overheard saying as he fell to his knees and let out repeated wails of joy and relief, adding that “Phil put in the work to be a great links golfer, and it paid off, goddammit.” “This couldn’t have happened to a better person. Look at his beautiful family! Lefty. Lefty! I love you, Lefty!!!” Family sources confirmed that at dinner that same night, Culp was silent and curt at the table, ordering his son to grab him a beer and telling his wife that the chicken was dry.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More