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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Area Dad Just Absolutely Sobbing After Phil Mickelson Win

DOVER, DE—After Phil Mickelson birdied the 18th hole at Muirfield to assure his British Open victory last Sunday, local dad Tom Culp reportedly broke down in tears in the family’s downstairs TV room. “Lefty deserves this! He deserves it!” Culp was overheard saying as he fell to his knees and let out repeated wails of joy and relief, adding that “Phil put in the work to be a great links golfer, and it paid off, goddammit.” “This couldn’t have happened to a better person. Look at his beautiful family! Lefty. Lefty! I love you, Lefty!!!” Family sources confirmed that at dinner that same night, Culp was silent and curt at the table, ordering his son to grab him a beer and telling his wife that the chicken was dry.

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