Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

Moyers told reporters he has seen some "perfectly good" Compaqs for $400.
Moyers told reporters he has seen some "perfectly good" Compaqs for $400.

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.

Moyers, whose aging Compaq Presario ceased functioning earlier this week despite the fact that he deleted several old files and installed the latest version of Norton AntiVirus, said he doesn't want anything fancy and just needs a machine that allows him to get online, send e-mails, and use Microsoft Word.

Moyers reiterated several times that that's all he needs.

"I don't want someone trying to sell me something with a ton of memory or RAM or anything like that," said Moyers, adding that getting a computer with "all that graphics and sound stuff" would be a waste of money because he'd never use it anyway. "What I need is something that starts right up when you turn it on and goes right to Google when you click on Internet Explorer. Nothing crazy. As long as it's compatible with Comcast, so I can get on the Internet, I'm fine. "

Added Moyers, "I don't need a scanner."

Browsing through a Best Buy insert in USA Today, the husband and father of two said that it's important to have some idea of what you want before you buy "one of these things." He told reporters that if you don't do the necessary research, you'll spend way more money than you planned and walk out of the store with "some super-computer for tech guys."

Moyers, who used the phrase "bare bones" several times in reference to what his new computer should be, said that when he is eventually ready to buy, he plans to tell the salesman to take him to the simplest PCs they have, ones that will give him full access to his work e-mail and hopefully allow him to open up the photos his sister sent him from her vacation to the Bahamas, and not try to upsell him anything.

"I'm not going to be airbrushing photos, so I don't need Photoshop and I don't need video cards," Moyers said. "I need a keyboard, a mouse, and something that won't freeze up every 10 minutes. That's it."

"Oh, and it has to work with my iPod," he continued. "There's got to be a plug for that."

Moyers went on to list several programs and features he doesn't need on his new PC, some of which include the ability to play video games besides solitaire, watch YouTube videos, or download things. Further, Moyers told reporters that his old computer monitor works just fine, and that he would rather just use it than spend another $200 on something he already has.

"This is going to be my machine, not the family computer we keep in the living room," he said. "The last time I let everyone use my computer, it got filled up with all these videos and files and junk, and when I took it to the guy at OfficeMax, he said it was running slow because there was all this unnecessary stuff running all the time. It was taking five minutes for Quicken to open."

In addition to doing his own research, Moyers enlisted the help of his 24-year-old son Keith, who, according to Moyers, knows a lot about computers. The younger Moyers reportedly suggested his father consider an iMac due to its ease of use and straightforward tech support. While Moyers was initially open to the idea, he swiftly ruled out a Mac due to the computer's price and the fact that it didn't come with Windows.

Moyers added that he also didn't like the fact that the mouse only had one click button.

"I talked to my friend Greg who has a Dell and says he likes it, so I might look into that," Moyers said. "But I'm not going to buy it if they make you get some expensive warranty. Those things are always a rip-off."


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