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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Dad Looking To Get Average Phone Call With Adult Son Down To 47.5 Seconds

OLYMPIA, WA—Saying that he’s done a few trial runs already and is confident he can reach his target time soon, area father Richard Downing, 62, told reporters Thursday that he’s on track to bring the average length of a phone call with his adult son Mark down to a trim 47.5 seconds. “As of right now, my typical phone conversation with Mark usually lasts approximately 58 seconds, sometimes a few seconds more, but I’m positive that with a few crucial adjustments I can shave 10 seconds off of that average, no problem,” Downing said, noting that he’s already adopted several changes that include making only cursory inquiries into his son’s job, responding with polite, one-word answers to any questions, and outright eliminating his own updates on the progress of an ongoing basement renovation project. “Obviously, there are a few variables I can’t control, like if he actually has some important news to tell me—then that would inevitably tack on an extra half minute and skew the average. But I think if I can avoid bringing up his girlfriend and keep the when-are-you-visiting-next stuff to a minimum, we’ll already be hovering right around the 48-second mark, give or take seven or eight seconds of awkward silence until I hand the phone over to his mother.” When reached for comment, Downing’s wife, Linda, noted that she herself is implementing a battery of conversation-expanding tactics in an attempt to boost her average talk with her son up to an even 80 minutes.

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