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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Dad Looking To Get Average Phone Call With Adult Son Down To 47.5 Seconds

OLYMPIA, WA—Saying that he’s done a few trial runs already and is confident he can reach his target time soon, area father Richard Downing, 62, told reporters Thursday that he’s on track to bring the average length of a phone call with his adult son Mark down to a trim 47.5 seconds. “As of right now, my typical phone conversation with Mark usually lasts approximately 58 seconds, sometimes a few seconds more, but I’m positive that with a few crucial adjustments I can shave 10 seconds off of that average, no problem,” Downing said, noting that he’s already adopted several changes that include making only cursory inquiries into his son’s job, responding with polite, one-word answers to any questions, and outright eliminating his own updates on the progress of an ongoing basement renovation project. “Obviously, there are a few variables I can’t control, like if he actually has some important news to tell me—then that would inevitably tack on an extra half minute and skew the average. But I think if I can avoid bringing up his girlfriend and keep the when-are-you-visiting-next stuff to a minimum, we’ll already be hovering right around the 48-second mark, give or take seven or eight seconds of awkward silence until I hand the phone over to his mother.” When reached for comment, Downing’s wife, Linda, noted that she herself is implementing a battery of conversation-expanding tactics in an attempt to boost her average talk with her son up to an even 80 minutes.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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