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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Area Dad Points Out Place That Has Great Reuben Sandwiches

'You Like Reubens, Right?' Father Inquires

AGOURA HILLS, CA—Noting that they really hit the spot, local dad Peter Barry pointed out a restaurant that serves really good Reuben sandwiches during a drive with his son Ryan on Saturday. "You like those, right? Reubens?" Barry asked the 18-year-old, who vaguely nodded his head while staring out the window. "I love me a good Reuben." Sources reported that after driving in silence for the next five minutes, the father went on to add, "Nothing better than a Reuben."

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