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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Area Dad Saw A Great Show On Bigfoot Last Night

LANCASTER, PA—Much to his family's indifference, 44-year-old father of two Bradley Kochner said he enjoyed an interesting show about Bigfoot on the Discovery Channel last night. "They had some neat footage that was shot in Oregon," said Kochner at the dinner table, describing the one-hour Legends Of Sasquatch special, in a desperate attempt to reach bored sons Joel, 13, and Kyle, 11. "If they show it again, I'll tape it. Maybe we can watch it together. Right, guys?" Kochner's wife Laura said her husband has similarly tried to engage his children in discussions about submarines, UFOs, and Pompeii.

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