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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Area Dad Spends Super Bowl Looking Regretfully At Son Who Wasn’t Allowed To Play Football

WESTERVILLE, OH—Repeatedly glancing away from the television while the rest of his family excitedly watched the game, local father Doug Bryant reportedly spent most of the Super Bowl 50 broadcast Sunday looking regretfully at his 17-year-old son, Alex, who was never allowed to play football. “Some game so far, huh?” said Bryant, clapping his son on the shoulder as they watched the game together, all the while ruefully recalling how he and his wife had refused his son’s requests to play Pop Warner football over the years, thus preventing him from ever discovering a talent for the sport, competing at a high level, and perhaps someday even making it all the way to the Super Bowl himself as a star NFL player. “That was a heck of a play right there. Great catch, and what a throw, too. Just awesome.” Sources also confirmed that at one point during the game, Alex looked over at his father and sadly remembered that the long-term hip and back problems the elder Bryant sustained from playing high school football often made it difficult to play outside while his son was growing up.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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