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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported. “I know we haven’t spent any time together in the past few months, old friend, but just know that I haven’t forgotten you—not for a minute,” Chesney said in hushed tones to the three-burner propane grill, his breath steaming up the window that divided him from his beloved companion. “I promise you that I’ll be back soon. Just hold on a little longer and I’ll get that cover off you, give your cooking grate a good brushing, and heat you right back up. It’ll be like we never parted, I swear.” At press time, a visibly emotional Chesney told his wife to give him “a few more minutes” after she called him into the dining room for dinner.

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