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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported. “I know we haven’t spent any time together in the past few months, old friend, but just know that I haven’t forgotten you—not for a minute,” Chesney said in hushed tones to the three-burner propane grill, his breath steaming up the window that divided him from his beloved companion. “I promise you that I’ll be back soon. Just hold on a little longer and I’ll get that cover off you, give your cooking grate a good brushing, and heat you right back up. It’ll be like we never parted, I swear.” At press time, a visibly emotional Chesney told his wife to give him “a few more minutes” after she called him into the dining room for dinner.

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