After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Area Dad Suffers Massive Nothing To Worry About

STEVENS POINT, WI—In a no big deal that barely even took place, area factory worker and father of four Walt Koepke suffered a massive nothing to worry about late Thursday afternoon. According to sources, the 58-year-old Koepke had been shopping at a nearby grocery store when he clutched his chest, fell over, and was incapacitated by a very sudden and very painful everything will be just fine. Doctors are currently keeping Koepke under observation at Mount Sinai Hospital in case he requires another emergency quadruple sweetheart, there’s no need for you to fret over such a small matter, honestly.

After Birth

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