Area Dad Suffers Massive Nothing To Worry About

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Dad Suffers Massive Nothing To Worry About

STEVENS POINT, WI—In a no big deal that barely even took place, area factory worker and father of four Walt Koepke suffered a massive nothing to worry about late Thursday afternoon. According to sources, the 58-year-old Koepke had been shopping at a nearby grocery store when he clutched his chest, fell over, and was incapacitated by a very sudden and very painful everything will be just fine. Doctors are currently keeping Koepke under observation at Mount Sinai Hospital in case he requires another emergency quadruple sweetheart, there's no need for you to fret over such a small matter, honestly.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close