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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Area Dad Suspicious Of Car Parked Across Street

CORONA, WI—Homeowner and father of three Robert LaFontaine issued a statement late Monday, expressing unease and distrust toward an unfamiliar green 1995 Ford Taurus parked for several hours across from his family's house. "Well, that's different," said LaFontaine, from his post behind the sheer curtains of his living-room window. "Are those out-of-state plates? No, guess not. Can't tell if anyone's in it from here, either. Funny." LaFontaine, while reading the newspaper, continued intermittent surveillance of the vehicle throughout the evening by periodically dispatching eldest son Jack to look out the window.

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