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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Area Dad Wants To Watch New Blu-Ray Of ‘Spring Breakers’ By Himself

PAOLI, PA—Instructing his wife and children to stay away from the den for the next few hours, area dad Dave Landler has announced that he wants to watch a new Blu-ray DVD of Spring Breakers, the 2012 film starring Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens, alone. “I’m just going to have a little movie night by myself tonight, guys, so I’d appreciate some privacy while the movie’s on,” said Landler, 49, while opening the DVD box for the Harmony Korine–directed film about four college-aged girls on a spring break trip to Florida. “It’s about two hours long, so I’ll probably be done in about two hours or so. In fact, why don’t you guys go out and get some food, on me. Maybe get some ice cream later, too. Take your time.” Sources reported the last time Landler watched a movie alone in the den was when he borrowed a DVD copy of the 2002 film Blue Crush from fellow dad Jeff Pritzker.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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